


Second Chances

by Victqria



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Clexa, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fix It Fic, Fluff and Angst, Lexas still as oblivious as ever, Soft!Lexa, basically clexa working through trauma together, clexa fluff, identity crisis, soft!clarke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:13:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 30,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26833471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Victqria/pseuds/Victqria
Summary: There was a long moment of silence. “We both know I would not look like this if you thought about someone else you love. Unfortunately, I am stuck like this.” The Judge stepped forward, arms behind her back. “I have a question… What would you do if you were given a second chance?”Clarke’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Is this not my second chance?”“No, you interpret my words wrong. What if I could give you your someday?”OrA fix-it fic where Clarke and Lexa get their someday and work through their joint traumas together
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 61
Kudos: 313





	1. One.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all!!
> 
> I really wanted to give everyone some closure, so I decided to start a tiny fix-it-fic 
> 
> I tried my hardest with the trig and included it in (brackets) so you guys didn't have to skim to the very bottom to understand their conversations like my other work. It's not perfect, but I hope its at least somewhat decent. 
> 
> I hope to update at least once a month, maybe more depending on my study schedule. This fic will contain angst, hurt, smut, working through trauma, and what I haven't really seen a lot of yet: Focus on Lexa's troubles coming back from the dead. 
> 
> Pacing is a bit wonky but I hope you all enjoy :) 
> 
> Still can't believe we got to see Lexa in 2020 phew we won huh

“A curious species indeed.”

Clarke gazed at her friends in disbelief, then turned around to reply to the judge, only for her to vanish into thin air. Clarke didn’t really know what to think, or what to feel, but being thankful was a good start. 

She rushed over to Raven and tugged her into a long hard hug, then moved around to Murphy, then Octavia.

“I can’t believe you guys chose to hang out with me over transcending into peace.” She choked out, looking at everyone in front of her. 

“We told you, Clarke. We’re in this together.” Raven said.

It was almost as if this was a blessing, not a punishment. 

_Who am I kidding? The only thing missing is having Madi by my side._

  
  


***

  
  


The next couple of days went quick. They had to build shelter, set traps, begin planning out seasonal crops, find materials for clothes, binding, purification; in short, they had a lot to do. 

  
  


Clarke didn’t expect to ever get another visit from the judge, but it happened spontaneously just as she was headed back from scouting. 

  
  


She stopped dead in her tracks when Lexa’s figure stood by the base of a tree. She looked at her for a while, waiting for her to say something first, then let out a sigh. 

  
  


“What do you want?” 

  
  


“I’m intrigued. Why do you choose to go into the woods all alone? Should you not be working in groups?” 

  
  


“...Why would I not? It’s not like I can’t defend myself. For someone with the knowledge of the entire universe, you seem oddly interested in what I do with my time, and rather judgemental of my survival choices. Didn’t you read my file? I’ve survived on my own for years. I think I’m pretty competent.” Maybe this was the judges terrible way of starting conversation? 

  
  


Lexa’s face morphed into one of confusion. “You are frustrated.” 

  
  


“Because it’s like you’re purposely tormenting me. I get this is punishment, but do you have to look like that?” 

  
  


“I take the form—“

  
  


“Yes, I realise that. But can’t you change into someone else?” 

  
  


There was a long moment of silence. “We both know I would not look like this if you thought about someone else you love. Unfortunately, I am stuck like this.” The Judge stepped forward, arms behind her back. “I have a question… What would you do if you were given a second chance?” 

  
  


Clarke’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Is this not my second chance?” 

  
  


“No, you interpret my words wrong. What if I could give you your someday?” 

  
  


Clarke’s voice got stuck in her throat. _What are you offering?_

  
  


“I have done some thinking. You have sacrificed a lot for the sanity of the people you care for. You lost your daughter, your lovers, your own moral compass. I feel a strong pull towards you, Clarke, I cannot explain it.” 

  
  


“What’re you trying to say?” 

  
  


“Your friends chose not to transcend, hence why they are still here on earth. They wanted to spend the rest of their lives with you, together. It’s… strange. Everyone has a partner, or a companion, but you… you are left with nothing but the guilt of the choices you made. I would like to give you incentive.” 

  
  


Clarke was still as confused as she was 5 minutes ago. “Incentive… for what?” 

  
  


The judge stepped forward again, leaving very little difference between them. “You will not see me again.” 

  
  


And just like that, she was gone. 

  
  


“What the hell?” Clarke said, eyebrows furrowed. _What does she mean?_

  
  


No more than 2 minutes later and a bright light flashed from the forest line. With a small curious frown, Clarke began running towards camp. 

  
  


“Clarke!” Raven yelled, meeting her as she came from the woods. “Someone just landed in the water. What did you do?” 

  
  


Clarke pushed past Raven and tugged off her jacket. She kicked off her shoes, then rushed into the water. She didn’t think twice, she just swam. 

  
  


It took 30 seconds or so, but once within grabbing distance, Clarke took hold of the body sinking below the surface of the water, and started dragging it towards the shore. She didn’t stop to look at who or what it was, she just swam. 

  
  


And then it hit. 

  
  


“Lexa!” She choked on her gasp, dragging them out of the now waist-deep water. Once on the shore, she leaned down to listen for Lexa’s exhale. When it didn’t come, she panicked. She began compressions, stopping on number 30 to give Lexa 2 rescue breaths. 

  
  


And to Clarke's shock, it worked. Lexa choked out a large gulp of water and wheezed, hands instantly going to her stomach. Clarke knelt there, heart pounding in her ears. The relief she’d felt turned to dread when she realised Lexa’s shirt was drenched in black blood. She hurriedly lifted Lexa’s shirt, panic beginning to set in. 

  
  


“Nononono, not again, we’re not doing this again.” She said to herself, feeling around for the entry wound. When she couldn’t find one, she shook her head. “Where does it hurt? Where is the blood coming from?” 

  
  


Lexa looked just as distraught as she did the night she’d been shot. Clarke cupped her face with an unsteady hand, head still shaking. “Come on, speak to me. Where is the blood coming from?” 

  
  


“I— It’s not painful, Clarke. I can’t feel the bullet.” Lexa managed to get out, voice faint. “I think it’s old blood.” She added, looking up at Clarke with furrowed brows. 

  
  


_Thank you_ , Clarke thought. _Thank you._

  
  


_Lexa’s consciousness transcended back when the flame was still in her head. Take this for what it is; a thank you for sacrificing your own personal happiness and contentment so the rest of the human race could transcend,_ a voice echoed in Clarke’s head. 

  
  


“That’s okay, you’re okay.” Clarke tried to soothe, stroking Lexa’s cheek with her thumb. “What do you remember?”

  
  


“I was— I was… laying in bed. Titus was preparing for the extraction of the flame. You were telling me that poem. Then… everything went blank.” Lexa said, blinking back tears. Clarke felt the lump in her throat grow, making it harder and harder to hold back her own tears. “You cut your hair.” Lexa added. “Why?” 

  
  


“It’s been a very long time since we last saw each other.” Clarke managed to get out, then released a small sob. “Can you stand?” 

  
  


Lexa seemed to ground herself, because her breathing began to slow and her face softened. It took a couple of tries, but Clarke eventually got Lexa to her feet. 

  
  


“ _Heda_ ,” Indra was the first to kneel. Lexa looked over Clarke’s shoulder and frowned. Clarke held up her hand, signaling for everyone to stop, then directed Lexa towards the nearest log. 

  
  


Lexa sat down with a tiny grunt and remained silent. Clarke couldn’t begin to comprehend how confusing this must have been, especially now she didn’t have the flame guiding her through situations such as these. 

  
  


“Can we have some space please?” Clarke asked, sending everyone a sympathetic look. The group disbanded quickly, returning to their work. Clarke quickly wiped her eyes, then tried to blink back what she was feeling. 

  
  


Clarke took a seat next to Lexa and reached over to place a hand on her shoulder. Lexa slumped forward. 

  
  


“How long has it been?” Lexa asked, turning to look at Clarke. 

  
  


“Technically 131 years. But it only felt like 7.” Clarke explained. “We went into an ageless sleep, found a new planet— another earth, and then… we ended up back on earth. The rest of the human race got to transcend, but because of the crimes I committed…. I didn’t get the choice. My friends chose to stay with me.”

  
  


“Why am I here?” 

  
  


“The judge thought I deserved some compensation for everything I lost. When you died, your consciousness was stored away, and I guess... they just manifested an entire new body.” Clarke didn’t understand the specifics, but she hoped she was making sense. 

  
  


“What happened?”

  
  


“I think that’s a really heavy question. Let’s focus on getting you dry.” Clarke said, avoiding the question. 

  
  


“I… think I would like some time to myself, if that’s okay?” 

  
  


Clarke didn’t push. She nodded, gave Lexa’s shoulder a squeeze, then wandered off back to the group. 

  
  


Everyone was shaken. Raven was staring off over at Lexa with a confused glimmer in her eyes, Indra was shaken to the very core. Even Octavia had a very unsettled look on her face. 

  
  


When everyone went to their sleeping spots later that night, Clarke stayed up. She waited and kept the fire burning, occasionally looking over to find Lexa in the same exact spot. She was worried. “I’m still trying to understand everything.” Lexa said, coming up behind her. “But I think I would like to rest.” Clarke glanced over at Lexa when she came to sit beside her. “I do have one question…. Aden, he didn’t win in the conclave?” 

  
  


Clarke’s face dropped. She’d completely forgotten about Aden, about Polis, about the entire culture lost to her own careless actions. She swallowed thickly. “Ontari killed them all in their sleep. He didn’t even get a chance to fight.” Clarke replied, voice faint. “I think it was for the best. They didn’t have to suffer. It was quick.” 

  
  


“And honourless.” Lexa spat. Clarke noticed her hands curling into fists. “Typical _Azgeda_.”

  
  


Clarke’s lips twitched a little. “Language.” She tried to tease. “Echo is _Azgeda_. She’s… someone I trust.” Clarke reached over, hesitantly brushing her fingertips over Lexa’s hand. “Everything is backwards— Everything changed when you died— I changed, I had too.”

  
  


“I am sorry I was careless.” Lexa said after a moment or two. Her eyes staring into the flames, then slowly they lowered to Clarke’s hand. “I do not have the past commanders guiding me through this emotional distress. I do not know how to deal with this much grief.” She admitted, blowing out a long exhale. “For now, I would like to be close to you. You can answer my questions tomorrow.” 

  
  


Clarke’s eyes closed momentarily, an indescribable amount of happiness washing through her body. “It’s so good to hear your voice again.” She admitted, quietly. “Are you cold?” She cautiously slipped her fingers through Lexa’s. It was a strange feeling, physical contact had never been her strong point, but it was nice to just _feel_ and appreciate the warmth radiating off of someone else’s body. 

  
  


“No. I feel… motionless. Not warm nor cold, just sort of… floating.” Lexa replied, giving her fingers a light squeeze. 

  
  


“Maybe it’s because you don’t have the commanders in your head telling you what to do?” Clarke tried to joke. 

  
  


“Maybe.” Lexa hummed. “Have you got your own bed roll?” 

  
  


“Not entirely. I do have my own spot by the fire. Come,” Clarke got up and walked through the mess of bodies piled around the fire, then stopped a good half metre away from Murphy and Emori. She got to her knees, then carefully onto her side. “We’ve only been here for a couple days.” She said. “We have a lot of re-building to do.” 

Lexa kept a respectable distance between them at first, only close enough to link their pinkies together, then as the night progressed, she moved closer and closer until her head was pressed against Clarke’s shoulder. 

  
  


***

  
  


Lexa woke with a startle, hands hurriedly going to her abdomen. When she looked down she wasn’t bleeding, and there wasn’t any pain. 

  
  


_A vision,_ Lexa thought. _No, you no longer have the previous commanders guiding you. What did Clarke call this? A nightmare?_

  
  


She looked around when she felt a little more stable. She couldn’t see Clarke, nor could she see anyone else. 

  
  


She took the time alone to steady her breathing and ground herself. There was so much to process. 

  
  


_Why was I brought back?_ She kept asking herself, attempting to find a purpose for her less than ideal reincarnation. When you died, you didn’t come back as yourself; you weren’t meant to be aware of your past life. 

  
  


“Hey, you’re awake.” A familiar voice startled her. She didn’t feel like herself. Lexa barely felt… present. 

  
  


“Oh, uh, yeah.” She sent Clarke a halfhearted smile. “Did you get up early to train?” 

  
  


“Not particularly. I haven’t gotten up to train at sunrise since the Valley, when I was raising Madi.” 

  
  


“You had a daughter? To whom?” 

  
  


“I didn’t give birth. She was _natblida_ . When the radiation wave— a fire wave, jumped over the valley, the illness didn’t. Everyone else, including her parents, died. When I found her she was surviving on her own, she’d escaped the _fleimkepa’s_ of course, so she was wary of everyone, but we eventually grew close and I raised her as if she were my own blood.” A short pause, then: “My mom made nightblood. I injected it into myself. We didn’t think it would work, but it proved useful when I stayed on earth to send my friends back to space. Without it I’d be dead. That’s how I survived with Madi all those years.” Clarke explained.

  
  


Lexa could understand to an extent, but she still struggled to grasp what radiation was, or why it was so deadly. How did Clarke manage to make night blood? She gave a little nod in response. “She… isn’t here?” 

  
  


“She didn’t want to grow up without somebody her own age. She didn’t want me to watch her age without anyone to love. So she decided to transcend, unlike everyone else here.”

  
  


“Do you mean reincarnation? Everyone here decided not to die?” 

  
  


“Sorta, yeah.” Clarke paused, her eyes dull. “I have a lot to explain to you, so much so it might take awhile for you to understand.” 

  
  


“I’m guessing we have time.” Lexa replied, sending Clarke a tiny nod. “Can we go find a private stream? I would like to wash the blood out of my clothes.” 

  
  


Clarke sent her a nod, gathering her things. 

  
  


They walked in silence, which Lexa found disheartening. They had been good before her death, had they not? _You died years ago, Klark is an entirely different person,_ she reminded herself. _She’s probably had many more lovers, lost friends, family. You cannot expect her to show the same sort of affection towards you._

  
  


“Alright, we should have some privacy here.” Clarke announced, stopping near a large rock. The stream was large enough to bathe and wash clothes in, to which Lexa was thankful. “I’ll come back in a little while—“

  
  


“You’re not staying?” Lexa asked, eyebrows pulling together. “I do not wish for you to leave. I would appreciate the company.” Clarke’s cheeks flushed in response. Lexa tried to ignore the little knot forming in her stomach. “It may have been years for you, but for me, it’s been minutes.” She tried to explain. “The last time I saw you…” Lexa shook the thought away. “I understand you may feel differently towards me—“

  
  


“It’s the opposite.” Clarke cut off. “I don’t know how to act around you because I don’t know how to process the same feelings I had years ago. How to deal with the fact you’re alive—.” 

  
  


Lexa looked at Clarke for a long moment, trying to digest her words. 

  
  


“You’re telling me you don’t remember the city of light? That you don’t remember meeting Madi in the flame? That she was your reincarnation?” 

  
  


“What? Your daughter was my reincarnation?”

  
  


“Bellamy convinced her to put the flame in her head.” Clarke said, emotion evident in her voice. “When I asked her if she could sense your presence, she said she could. You don’t remember any of that?”

  
  


Lexa closed her eyes and turned away, a hand coming up to rest on the back of her neck. As much as she wanted to say yes, she couldn’t. She didn’t remember anything. 

  
  


“A form of me may have been passed into the flame but it was not me, Clarke.” She felt the scar on the back of her neck and paced forward. “I do not have conscious memory of Madi, or… this city you mention.” She swallowed a lump forming at the back of her throat and turned around. “I don’t even know who I am. If I’m not _Heda_ , then what am I? What’s my purpose? Why am I here? I’m not here to guide my people through struggle, or make sure the _Kongeda_ upholds, it doesn’t even exist— What am I if I’m not heir to _Bekka_ Clarke, what’s my identity?” 

  
  


Clarke looked at her long and hard. Lexa had only cried a handful of times in her life, and only because she was young enough it wouldn’t taint her image, or make her look weak. 

  
  


But right here, right now, with no culture to fall back on, she couldn’t help the tears that fell freely from her eyes. 

  
  


“You’re Lexa.” Clarke stated. “You’re _Leksa kom Trikru_ , previous _Heda_ of the 13 clans, successor of _Bekka Pramheda_ , a woman that has suffered, lost, and died. You got given a second chance, you got the opportunity for a do over. What was going through your head before you died? What was the first thing that came to mind?”

  
  


“That I wanted to spend a little longer with you.” Lexa replied without skipping a beat. “That we should have stayed in my bedroom. That… I wanted to tell you I was sorry, because I wanted to be selfish—“

  
  


“Be selfish. Why shouldn’t you be? We don’t owe anything else to our people.” Clarke started to come closer. “We don’t have an entire race of people depending on us. We don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks—“

  
  


“But that’s just it, Clarke. A couple of minutes ago I had an entire race of people depending on me. I feel their grief, I feel the pain of no longer being _Heda_ , the fact my reincarnation isn’t here and I am— do you know how backwards that is? I just found out Aden, and the rest of the children I raised almost from birth, are dead. That _Azgeda_ tried to take the throne, and then everyone was wiped out and it was pointless? That you have black blood, or you mentioned having it— which makes my ancestry void, it makes it completely…. worthless.” Lexa stopped to heave a deep breath. When she didn’t suck in enough, she started to panic. “I lost everything, everyone—“

  
  


“Hey, hey, Lexa— hey—“ Clarke came over to cup her face, and as much as she wanted to melt into it, she couldn’t get enough air in. She’d never felt this way before, or so out of touch with her own emotions. “Lexa, look at me. What do you see?” 

  
  


“Blue.” 

  
  


“What can you smell?”

  
  


“Pine trees.”

  
  


“What can you feel?”

  
  


“You.”

  
  


Her breathing returned to normal once she was able to ground herself. Years of training, years of practise, and she was subject to a panic attack less than 24 hours back on earth. 

  
  


“I don’t know who I am without the flame.” She admitted defeat. Clarke tugged her into a hug, one she had no issue returning. Despite feeling as if the world was crumbling down around her, it was nice to not feel guilty about affection. It was nice to not have the commanders in her head dictating her every move. It felt… nice, not being a vessel. But she still didn’t know who _Leksa_ was. 

  
  


She’d never thought about life away from her duty. She’d never had dreams or ambitions outside of being commander. 

  
  


“I’m sorry I brought you back just to feel as if you don’t belong in this world.” Clarke whispered. Lexa’s stomach sank. “I didn’t mean to.”

  
  


“You do not need to apologise for something you didn’t mean to do.” Lexa replied. “Anya used to tell me to fail confidently. If you can’t fail with pride, how are you meant to succeed without doubt?” 

  
  


Clarke pulled away to look at her and Lexa could feel the emotion in her eyes. “I’m glad you’re here. I’m just sorry it was under these circumstances.” 

  
  


Lexa swallowed thickly. “We can work through this.” She paused. “Together.” 

  
  
  


Clarke’s answering sigh of contentment was enough to ease Lexa’s building anxiety. Lexa needed time, and it seemed like they had an entire lifetime of that. 

  
  
  


***

  
  


The next week came and went. Clarke noticed the distance forming between them the second they’d returned to camp. She gave Lexa space, allowed her to dive into work and accepted that it would take awhile for them to rebuild what they once had. 

  
  


That didn’t make it any less painful. 

  
  


_This is stupid_ , Clarke thought, watching Lexa chop a small tree trunk in half. _She’s standing right there, within reach, and I can’t touch her_. 

  
  


“Do you wanna stop gawking and help me out?” Raven interrupted. 

  
  


“I’m not gawking, I just can’t believe I’m looking at Lexa.” Clarke said, finding herself going red. “It’s not weird, I just… Don’t know how to process all this. She’s right there and I can’t do anything.”  
  
  
“I understand, Clarke. I’d feel the same way if Finn suddenly got put back on earth. It’s rough. Why don’t we go take your mind off of things for awhile?”  
  
  
“I’m game for that.” Clarke got off the log she was sitting on and released a long sigh. Just as they were walking away, Lexa called out to them.

  
  


“Where are you going?”  
  
  
“To look for some other building materials. We’ll be back soon.”  
  
  
“Do you need any help?”  
  
  


“You just keep splitting logs for us. Maybe strip some bark?”  
  
  
Lexa lingered on Clarke for a moment or so, then nodded and got back to work. Clarke felt her stomach twist up in little knots the further away from camp they got. There was a little twinge of doubt filling her mind. 

  
  


_What if I look too different? What if I’m not what she wants anymore?_

  
  


“Clarke, I can feel you thinking too hard. What’s on your mind?”  
  
  
Clarke didn’t know where to start. “Lexa’s going through a lot mentally and I don’t know how to be there for her.” She said, kicking a stone in front of her. They walked up into the forest and stopped to gather some moss. “She’s coping with an entirely different set of problems. I just want her to find peace, but… I don’t know how to give her closure.”  
  
  
“The judge did this on purpose. They knew Lexa would be damaged goods. It’s a blessing in a sense, but it’s also going to be a lot of work. Maybe it’s part of your punishment.”  
  
  
“I guess.” Clarke stopped for a moment and just sat down, gathering her thoughts. “I’ve been thinking about taking her back to Polis, do you think that’s a good idea?”  
  


Raven stopped gathering moss for a second and sighed. “What if that does more bad than good? Wouldn’t it give her PTSD?”  
  
  


“I don’t know. It might help. Lexa’s never been a talker.”  
  
  
“I mean… You guys could just go off for a couple days and you know… fuck.”  
  


  
Clarke let out a loud laugh, taken back by the idea. Intimacy had been the very last thing on her mind. “I don’t think that would work.”  
  
  
“Why not?”  
  
  
“Before Lexa died, the night before I was due to come back to Polis, we slept together. For her, it’s been maybe a week and a bit since we last laid together. For me, it’s been…. I don’t know, years? I just don’t think sex is going to magically fix everything.”  
  
  
“If Lexa isn’t a talker, how do you go about getting her to open up? Maybe she likes to talk with her hands?”  
  
  
“As much as I would love that, I think there’s more to it. She’s dealing with the death of her entire identity. Without the flame, her people, her life, she doesn’t know who she is. Our issues branch off of that. As much as I loved her, and still love her, we barely know each other. The one thing we had in common— leading our people, it’s gone. It’s like starting from scratch.”  
  
  
“That’s rough, Clarke. I can see what you mean.” Raven sent her friend a sympathetic look. “Maybe try and spend some more one-on-one time with her?”  
  
  
“I don’t want to overwhelm her. Love is weakness, right? Sure, we’ve moved past that idea, that she’s still processing a lot. Wouldn’t hanging around like a bad smell just make her more aware of the obvious wall between us? Like I’m trying to force my way into her world? Her personal space?”  
  
  
“I dunno man, can’t knock it until you try it, right?”  
  
  
Raven had a point. Clarke slumped forward in defeat, giving herself a couple minutes silence to think, then shrugged it off. “We better get back.”  
  
  
They returned back with arms full of moss and set it down by the fire. Lexa was still chopping wood, sweat dripping off of her nose. Clarke glanced at Raven, then back at Lexa, and huffed. She walked over and placed a hand on Lexa’s forearm. 

  
  


“I’ll take over. Go have a break.” Lexa stopped to look at her, chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. It almost felt like she was going to argue but instead she just nodded and handed Clarke the axe. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Lexa stared up at the stars above her, sleep evading her like it did most nights. She’d started sleeping away from the group so she didn’t burden them with her nightmares. She knew it wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair on Clarke, but she also didn’t know how to deal with the trauma of her own death. It was bright and silent, the stars twinkling in the sky. She wondered what it had been like to travel amongst them. 

  
  


“Head in the stars?” She looked over to see Clarke approaching. She sent her a small smile and sat up.

  
  


“What was it like? Was it breathtaking?”  
  
  
“It was… nothing like anything you can imagine. There was a lot of darkness, but there were also magical colours. I wish I could have taken you with me.” 

  
  


Lexa sighed, nodding in agreement. “Me too.” She looked down at her hands, then eventually back up at Clarke. “Can’t sleep?”  
  
  
“Have a lot on my mind. Stressed about food for the change in seasons, how I’m going to stay warm, how we’re acting like complete strangers.”  
  
  
Lexa felt her stomach twist. She knew she hadn’t been very fair, but she’d always been head-strong and handled everything on her own. There was a lot going on inside of her head, too. It made focusing on happiness hard. “I do not recognise my own reflection.” Lexa admitted. “I look… aged. When I last saw myself, I still had a lot of filling out to do, and now… I can see little wrinkles on my skin, like I’ve lived a life… yet… have no memory of the life my body has lived.” Her eyebrows pulled together. “I’m not that same Lexa. You are not the same Clarke.” 

  
  


“That much is true.” Clarke agreed. “You’re the age you would have been had you not died.” She added, making Lexa’s gut sink. How had she not come to that conclusion on her own?  
  
  
“I would have lived for almost 30 winters.” A moment passed, her lips curling into a smile. “Old.” That made Clarke laugh. “Is that not true? Most warriors die before they get the chance to live. The commanders before me… most of them died young, too. We attract death from a very young age.”

  
  


Clarke laughed again. It made Lexa’s chest bubble with warmth. “That much is true. Madi was almost the same age as you when she ascended. She didn’t even make it to 14.”  
  
  
“It is unfortunate.” Lexa said, feeling as if she had to change the subject. “Would you like to know a secret?”  
  
  
Clarke came to sit directly next to her, nodding. Lexa blew out a little breath, smiling to herself, then turned to look at Clarke. “Costia believed I’d be the one to die first. She used to tease me about making it one year to the next, call it dumb luck. We always imagined her being the one crippled and grey, but as it turns out… I’m the one old enough to produce my own children, and she got to be forever young.”  
  
  
“How old was she?”  
  
  
“We were almost 17 winters old. The commanders didn’t celebrate their day of birth, it was a selfish indulgence we could not partake in. Costia would always sneak into the tower each fall and bring me a birthday stone. It made me feel like more than just a vessel.”  
  
  
“Did you keep them all?”  
  
  
“Yes.”  
  
  
“Do you miss her?”  
  
  
“I miss the idea of her. I miss the idea of my youth.”  
  
  
They didn’t speak for a while. It was a comfortable silence. 

  
  


“What do we need to do to move forward?” Clarke asked, causing Lexa to frown. She’d been waiting for a question like this. 

  
  


“I need time.” She admitted, grinding her jaw. “I do not wish to harm you in my attempt to find myself.” She added, struggling to contain the sadness she felt at her own words. “I know I am being unfair, but… I do not know how to do this, Clarke. It is hard living in a body I did not get to grow into.”  
  
  
Clarke reached over despite her words and tilted Lexa’s head towards her own. Lexa swallowed hard, looking at the tiny smile lines forming at the edges of Clarke’s lips. She hadn’t allowed herself to just admire Clarke’s aged appearance, and despite everything, she still looked as beautiful as ever.  
  
  
“Let’s not focus heavily on the past.” Clarke whispered. “Not for tonight.” There was a lot of guilt pooling in Lexa’s stomach. She swallowed again, trying to find the words. 

  
  


“I would like that.” She murmured, voice faint. 

  
  


“Would you like to hear about space?”  
  
  
Lexa’s face lit up. 

  
  


They spent the rest of the night blabbering about what it was like living up in the stars. 

  
  


***

  
  


They snuck off at dawn to watch the sun rise at the other side of the lake. It was the closest they’d been in weeks. Clarke knew it was going to take a little more than a night of banter to rebuild an entire relationship, but it was a good start. 

  
She stood at the edge of the water as she stripped her jacket off to wet her arms. The heat of summer, and the close proximity to Lexa, left her heated to the very core. She looked over at Lexa with a small smile, then stood up to flick the excess water off her hands. 

  
  


“Did you ever learn how to swim?” Lexa asked, making Clarke frown. 

  
  


“Yes, why?”  
  
  
“Good.” 

  
  


“Lexa! No! Don’t—” It was too late, Lexa tackled her into the water with a loud laugh. 

  
  


“You _gonfa_ , it’s only a little water.” Lexa said, grinning from ear to ear. “Is _Wanheda_ scared of getting wet?” 

  
Clarke looked at Lexa with raised eyebrows, shoving her head under the water. Lexa came up a couple of seconds later and snorted. It’d been so long since she’d heard Lexa laugh or even snicker at something. She looked at Lexa with soft eyes and shook her head. 

  
  


“Who taught you how to swim?”  
  
  
“I taught myself.” Clarke said, huffing as she got to her feet. They were only in knee-deep water, but it was enough to get all her clothes wet. “Then taught Madi. It was a whole drama. She refused to kick her feet the first couple of weeks and just sunk like a rock.” 

  
  


“Anya taught me how to swim. She thought it might be necessary if I ever had to go to _Floukru_ .” She explained, accepting Clarke’s hand. She got up and shrugged. “Luna always loved water. Whenever we trained out by the river, she was the first to dive in. It is poetic in a sense, how she ended up fleeing to the metal giants.”  
  
  
Clarke opened her mouth to say something, then closed it, walking out of the water. “What would you say if I told you I met her?”  
  
  
“You…” Lexa stopped and looked at her curiously, then sent her a small frown. “When I died, and my _natblida_ were slaughtered, you went to her, didn’t you?”  
  
  
“She was our only option.” Clarke crinkled up her nose. “She had a gentle soul. Too gentle. When she fought in the conclave Octavia won for ownership of the bunker, she was fierce. I can see why it was only you two left.”  
  
  
“I am a very aggressive fighter. Luna was always on the defence.” Lexa mused, pulling off her shirt. Clarke blinked, then turned away to give Lexa some privacy as she rang her shirt out. “Clarke, we have seen each other bare. Why do you turn away?”  
  
  
“Force of habit.” Clarke said, not moving. Lexa came up behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder. She didn’t budge. “It’s been years. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”  
  
  
“You can look. I have not changed. I’ve just got a little more meat on my bones.” Clarke crinkled up her nose as she turned. She glanced down, giving Lexa a quick one-over, then bit down on her lower lip. Lexa wasn’t fat, she’d just distributed her body mass a little more evenly. Instead of being slender and lean, she was more muscular with a healthy amount of fatty tissue covering the more feminime parts of her body — like her hips. 

  
  


“I can see what you mean.” Clarke exhaled. “You do look old.”  
  
  
Lexa let out a small laugh, squeezing the remaining water from her shirt. “You can understand my confusion then. I wish I had grown into my body. It would have been nice watching it develop over the years.” She placed her shirt on a nearby rock and began to untie the laces to her pants. Clarke reached out to stop her and shook her head. 

  
  


“I understand you’re completely comfortable stripping in front of me, but I don’t think I’m completely comfortable with it. I just… I haven’t seen someone in a very long time.” She felt herself blush. “Thank you for still being as courteous as ever.”  
  
  
Lexa’s frown turned into realisation. Her face went red, understanding her mistake. “Your sense of humour has not changed.” She said, adjusting her chest-wrap. “I will go hunting this week. We need leather to tailor some new clothes. I am already getting sick of my shirt. I miss tunics.” She grabbed her shirt and tugged it on. “I apologise. I hope you will not be a prune forever.” Lexa’s eyes sparkled machieviously. 

  
  


Clarke scoffed at her comment and gave Lexa’s shoulder a little nudge. “I’m not a prune. I’d like you to romance me before I see you naked again.” She felt her cheeks heat up again. “Do you want to head back to camp? I’m hungry.”  
  
  
“ _Yu laik always enti_ .” (You’re always hungry) Lexa teased, pausing momentarily. “I have a personal question.”  
  
  
“What is it?” Clarke raised an eyebrow. 

  
  


“I was not your last lover.” The words made Clarke’s heart fill with ice. “But I will be your last. I just want to know… Was I… did I… leave a lasting impression on you?” 

  
  


It hit Clarke a couple moments later. _She’s asking if she was good in bed_. 

  
  


Clarke didn’t know how to reply. How did you reply to something like that? She blinked, shaking her head a little, then sighed when Lexa’s face dropped. She reached forward, unable to formulate a decent sentence, and cupped Lexa’s face in her hands. She looked at her long and hard, opening and closing her mouth with a frown. 

  
  


“That bad, huh?” Lexa broke the long silence. Clarke closed her eyes with a smile and leaned forward, resting her forehead against Lexa’s. _The fact she’s attempting to seem unphased by all this is incredibly ironic. The commander of 13 clans scared that she wasn’t good in bed?_

  
  


“Lexa,” She started, opening her eyes. “ _Niron_ ,” She smiled when Lexa’s eyes softened. “ _Yu Bilaik..._ [ _Fodowin_ ](https://trigedasleng.net/word/Fodowin) _ai ever don._ ” (You were the best I ever had).

  
  
  


Lexa rose her hands and rested them on Clarke’s shoulders, thumbs caressing Clarke’s neck. It was the closest they’d been since Lexa had been brought back. 

  
  


_Who knew someone like Lexa could get so insecure about her ability to pleasure a woman?_ She thought, smiling.

  
  


“ _Ai_ [ _swega klin_ ](https://trigedasleng.net/word/swega%20klin) _.”_ (I promise/swear). 

  
  


“ _Ai nou realize ha fluent raun ai nomon tongue yu don nami.”_ (I didn’t realise how fluent in my mother tongue you had gotten). Lexa replied eventually, looking smitten. Clarke shrugged Lexa’s compliment off. 

  
  


_“Madi tich op ai tona. Ai don been fluent gon hani yiron nau. Ste em wrong dei de ai prefer trig odon gonasleng? Ai feel as taim ai na express mou.”_ (Madi taught me a lot. I've been fluent for many years now. Is it wrong that I prefer trig over english? I feel as if I can express more). 

  
  


“No, it is not. One word can mean many things. I feel the same. It is easier to speak _gonasleng_ when someone does not know the context of a word.” Lexa replied, pulling away a little to really look at Clarke. “ _Sonop_ can mean ‘good morning’ if spoken with the right enthusiasm. It can also just be a passing greeting at dawn, without any ‘good’ in it.” She jutted out her lower lip a little. “You can look _meizen_ but not be _pyur_ .”  
  
  
Clarke tilted her head a little. “ _Pyur._ I’m not familiar.” 

  
  


“It means pure. It can also mean innocently beautiful.” Lexa hummed, leaning forward again. Clarke smiled, letting the tip of her nose brush over Lexa’s. “ _Gonasleng_ is what warriors speak when they’re too lazy to speak _trigedsaleng_ .” Lexa let her nose brush over Clarke’s cheek. “ _Ai bilaik laud kom niron kom au kom yu spika._ ” (I like the sound of lover coming from your mouth). 

  
  


“Who would have thought.” Clarke started, pressing her lips to Lexa’s chin, eye’s still closed. “ _Ogeda ai don bilaik was sweet chichplei yu raun bilaik gada in sleng_.” (All I had to do was sweet talk you in your own language) She smiled when Lexa chuckled, then pulled her head back to look directly into Lexa’s eyes. The dull, lifeless green had regained some of it’s spark. 

  
  


“It puts me at ease knowing there is no language barrier between us anymore.” Lexa admitted, eyes dropping down to Clarke’s lips. “Na ai…?” (Can I…?)

  
  


Clarke’s toes curled and heat pooled in her stomach. She wet her lower lip with the tip of her tongue and nodded. Lexa took her time, clearly nervous herself, then slowly leaned in and pressed a small kiss to the corner of Clarke’s mouth. It was too much and not enough all at the same time. _It feels exactly how I imagined it._

  
  


“ _Don dei de kei?”_ (How was that) Lexa whispered. Clarke found it endearing. 

  
  


_“Em’s been krei long_.” (It’s been so long) Clarke murmured back, swallowing hard. She opened her eyes to try and gauge how Lexa was feeling. She looked small, almost as if this was the same Lexa she’d first kissed in that tent all those years ago. 

  
  


“ _Ai nami_.” (I know). 

  
  


Clarke smiled, her heart beating wildly in her chest. There was so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to admit, but she didn’t think any word in both their vocabularies could explain the relief she felt. She leaned forward again, waiting for Lexa to meet her half way, then grinned when Lexa hesitantly tried to tilt her head. She pressed a firm kiss against Lexa’s lips, holding it for several long seconds, then tilted her head in the opposite direction. 

  
  


Lexa was the first to part for air.

  
  


“ _Fodowin_ .” (Amazing) Lexa breathed. “ _Fodowin.”_ She repeated, a lazy grin tugging at her lips. “It has felt like no time has passed at all.” Clarke’s stomach growled in protest. The sun had been up for almost an hour. 

  
  


“Let’s go get you some food.”  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  


That morning at the lake seemed to ease a lot of the tension Lexa felt towards Clarke. But there was still some guilt floating around in her head preventing her from fully opening up and letting Clarke back in. 

  
  
  


“ _Hei._ ” Lexa greeted, coming up behind Clarke to admire her craftsmanship. The smoking hut she had built was far from perfect, but it was a good start. 

  
  


“Oh, hey. You’ve been gone awhile, did you just get back?”

  
  


“ _Sha_. I fear there may be a problem.” She tried to sound neutral, but knew she was failing. 

  
  


“What sort of problem?”

  
  


Lexa gestured for Clarke to follow her. 

  
  


She led them towards the small clearing in the woods and smiled when Clarke let out a surprised gasp. “You’ve been building this?” 

  
  


“It is not much, but it is a private place for us to retreat too.” Lexa said, letting out a tiny _oof_ when Clarke pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. Clarke released a couple of moments later and dashed over to the tree-house Lexa had been building. 

  
  


Lexa watched with amusement. 

  
  


“How’d you manage to hide this from me?”

  
  


“You’re easily distracted. Plus, you never come this way. Raven, Echo, even Octavia, they all found me building it before you did.” Lexa explained. “It is barely weatherproof, but we can stuff more moss into the cracks to stop cool air from coming in. It’s large enough for us to sleep in, or store food. I thought it might be a nice place to centre the rest of our buildings.”

  
  


“Us? Our? We? Are you suggesting something?”

  
  


“I assumed we would be living together. If not for warmth, for company. Unless you’d prefer living with Raven?” 

  
  


“As much as I would love to live with Raven, she snores really loud. This is perfect. Even if it’s temporary until we finish our first cabin together.” Clarke said, turning to look back at Lexa.

  
  


_I don’t know why I doubted myself. She seems happy._

  
  


“I thought maybe…” Lexa moved a couple paces to the left. “We could have a fire pit here, with chairs and a curing post beside it.” She moved a couple more paces to the left. “And start the cabin here. We’d have to cut down many trees, but if we worked around what is already here, we could make something beautiful.” 

  
  


When she turned her attention back to Clarke, she found herself frowning. “Are you… alright, Clarke?” 

  
  


“This is all I’ve ever wanted.” Clarke admitted. “Thank you.” 

  
  


Lexa didn’t know why she was thanking her, but she bowed her head in reply. 

  
  
  


***

  
  


4 months and 3 days later, and they had their cabin complete. It was small, but it was enough to start a life, a future. 

  
  


Lexa had never completed a building in her life, so when Clarke climbed off the roof and tugged her inside to look up at the ceiling, the love she felt for the home she’d spent so much time on was indescribable. No more holes, no more cracks, it was complete. 

  
  


She looked beside her at Clarke and felt her stomach filling with warmth. They’d gotten closer, much closer, but never more than a kiss or a hug, and always in private. 

  
  


They’d spent every waking moment trying to build a house they could settle into for the winter, so much so they’d put their relationship on hold.

  
  


_“Ai laik choffou_.” (I am thankful) Lexa said, gazing at Clarke. 

  
  


Clarke looked back at her, the usual blue in her eyes more vibrant. Lexa’s throat suddenly went dry. 

  
  


“ _Hon yu bilaik gon bless oso brana hou?”_ (Would you like to bless our new home?) Clarke said, lips twitching. 

  
  


“ _Ai…. uh…”_ Lexa frowned a little, then huffed in frustration. “I know you are only teasing, but… There is a ceremony I have not participated in before. People who newly wed… uh... _Na ai jos show yu?”_ (Can I just show you?) 

  
  


“I suppose.” Clarke said suspiciously. 

  
  


“It is of the old world,” Lexa began to explain, leading them outside. She looked at Clarke with a small smile, then bent down to pick her up bridal style. “I have had visions of a commander doing this with the man she loved.” She explained, making sure Clarke was comfortable. “And I would like to do it with you.” 

  
  


She carefully maneuvered them into the door, careful not to bang Clarke’s head, then glanced around with a small hum. “We have done well.” She admitted, turning her attention back to Clarke. “Can I kiss you?” 

  
  


Clarke curled her free hand around Lexa’s neck and pulled her in. She answered with her mouth and kissed with a passion Lexa had not felt since their first intimate experience. She eventually lowered Clarke to her feet and sunk into Clarke’s embrace. She had not felt such freedom to love, feel, and show her affection since before the scouts came to take her to Polis. 

  
  


“ _Ai hod yu in, Klark._ ” She whispered into Clarke’s neck, content with her timing. “I wish I had told you the day we laid together.” 

  
  


There was a long silence as Clarke’s arms tightened around her neck. 

  
  


“Timing has never been your strong suit.” Clarke whispered back. Lexa snickered into Clarke’s shoulder before pulling back. 

  
  


“I may be drawing a line…” She tried to tease, lifting her hand to run it through Clarke’s hair. “But who’s to say you can’t stay on this side of it?” 

  
  


“Does this count as our someday?” Clarke asked, her eyes shining with unshed tears. 

  
  


“ _Ai sure dula op hope krei, Klark._ ” (I sure do hope so, Clarke) Lexa said, leaning forward to press a kiss to Clarke’s forehead. “For I have survived two lifetimes in order to get back to you.” 

  
  


Clarke choked on her works, hurling herself against Lexa’s chest. Lexa held onto her, eyes closed as she let Clarke be. 

  
  


_This is what it feels like to be human_ , she thought. _This is what it feels like to belong._

  
  
  


***

  
  


Clarke let out a long, drawn out yawn. She’d spent the past 3 hours dosing in and out of sleep. She didn’t see the point in getting out of bed, it was mid-winter after all. Lexa was still asleep beside her, arms splayed out above her head with her mouth slightly open. 

  
  


Clarke still wasn’t used to waking up to the sound of Lexa snoring softly beside her. With age came fatigue, and Lexa seemed to be recovering from the months of hard work. 

  
  


Murphy and Emori had just finished their cabin and Raven’s community hall was coming along nicely. Indra was struggling, but everyone had a roof over their head, even if that meant Murphy, Emori, and Octavia had to share their homes. 

  
  


_Why doesn’t Clarke have guests?_ He’d argued, only for Indra, Echo, Nyla and Gaia to reply: _Because you do not sleep in the same room as the commander. Clarke’s home is sacred._

  
  


Clarke didn’t mind sharing, but having something that was entirely her own wasn’t all that bad either. 

  
  


Despite their relationship being developed enough that they shared a bed, they had not slept with each other intimately. Lexa was reserved when it came to anything more than a kiss, although Clarke had a sneaking suspicion it stemmed from dying right after their first sexual encounter. 

  
  


_That does put a damper on things_ , Clarke thought. _I’d act the same._

  
  


That didn’t stop her from longing. 

  
  


“ _Sonop, niron.”_ Lexa uttered, letting out a tiny grunt as she stretched. “Did you sleep well?” 

  
  


Clarke hummed, rolling over to settle between Lexa’s legs. “Terribly.” She mused, tucking her face under Lexa’s chin. “What about you?” 

  
  


“I did not have any nightmares. It was a nice change.” Lexa spoke groggily, then yawned. “Are you hungry?” 

  
  


Clarke grunted a _nope_ as she pressed a kiss to the underside of Lexa’s jaw. “Not for food.” She didn’t realise she’d spoken the words aloud until several moments later when she heard Lexa’s heart beating at a million miles an hour. “I was meaning I’m hungry for sleep.” 

  
  


“Oh, that would make sense.” Lexa said, though Clarke noticed the strain in her voice. 

  
  


“Do you want me to mean sexual appetite?” She questioned, unmoving. 

  
  


“I do not have a preference.” 

  
  


Clarke snorted as she let out a laugh. “Be honest with me. Are you put off because of what happened after the first time we had sex?” 

  
  


Lexa groaned, giving Clarke’s hip a playful squeeze. “Must we talk about this now?” When Clarke didn’t reply, Lexa slid her hand up the underside of Clarke’s shirt and let it rest just above her waist. _“Sha, Klark, ai laik sheiken_.” (Yes, Clarke. I am nervous). 

  
  


Clarke hummed, lowering a hand to Lexa’s chest. She drew a couple of patterns over her breast then sighed. “We’re the last people on earth. We don’t have guns. You don’t need to be afraid.” 

  
  


“I do not fear your _tek_ , Clarke. I fear I will not live up to your expectations.” 

  
  


Clarke pulled her head back and propped herself up on her elbow, looking down at Lexa with a frown. 

  
  


“See? Now you are mad.” 

  
  


“I’m not mad. I’m curious. Why would you think that?”

  
  


“Because you have had many more lovers after me.”

  
  


Clarke opened her mouth to speak, then closed it with a sigh. “Are you trying to tell me you’re nervous that you won’t live up to a couple one night stands I’ve had since your departure from this world?” 

  
  


Lexa blinked, frowning. “ _Sha, Klark._ ”

  
  


“You made me come 3 times in the span of an hour.” She stated, giving Lexa’s cheek a little pat. “It’s safe to say no one else has come close to what you made me feel.” She pursed her lips. “How’d you get so good at that anyway? That thing you did with your fingers?”

  
  


“Oh, uh…” Lexa’s face went red. “I do not wish to make you uncomfortable.”

  
  


“You slept around didn’t you?”

  
  


“Yes. It made being commander less lonely. It is not uncommon for _Heda_ to have many romantic partners.”

  
  


“Really? How many are we talking? Several per week?”

  
  


“I was not as sexually active as you may think.” Lexa’s lips pulled into a smug grin. “I just learnt how to pleasure a woman early on. I stopped when war began. I had been alone for many years before I met you.” 

  
  


“Interesting.” Clarke hummed, brushing the baby hairs fallen out of Lexa’s braid behind her ear. Lexa looked at her curiously, then caught her chin between her thumb and forefinger. 

  
  


“Dying after we had made love also doesn’t help.” She said, drawing Clarke in for a soft kiss. “That scares me too.” 

  
  


Clarke sighed against Lexa’s lips and trailed a series of light peaks across Lexa’s cheek and down her neck. “The only thing you need to worry about is someone accidentally walking in on us mid orgasm.” She teased, stopping to rest her cheek against Lexa’s shoulder. “I just hope you know your touch is welcome.” 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


_I just hope you know your touch is welcome_.

  
  


Those exact words kept echoing in Lexa’s head for days to come. It was nice to get things out in the open, but it also made her feel like she’d said the wrong thing. 

  
  


She hadn’t abstained from sex simply because of trauma, although that was a major factor, she just didn’t know how to time it right. 

  
  


Desperation had fuelled their last encounter. How else was she meant to pick up on Clarke’s social cues?

  
  


_Well, for starters, you could stop being so stupid. Years of training shouldn’t be void because of a pretty girl._

  
  


She spent an entire day practising her meditation techniques, the first time since they’d moved into their new cabin, and found herself drafting into calmness. Meditation used to be a form of communication, a way to seek guidance from the past commanders. Despite the fact she no longer had a connection to them, she did find herself doing a lot of self reflection. 

  
  


The sound of Clarke closing their door startled her, but she didn’t feel upset or mad, just surprised. “You are home early.” She spoke with a smile. “Are you alright?”

  
  


“We didn’t feel like fishing out in the snow any longer. We came back early. We put the fish we did catch in the smoke house. Raven will be back later today to check in. I wanted to sit in the warmth for a little while.” 

  
  


Lexa nodded, moving over to the fireplace. She filled it with fire wood, then stood there watching the flames grow. 

  
  


“What did you do today?” Clarke asked. 

  
  


“Oh,” Lexa said, turning to look at Clarke. “Nothing. I am sore from yesterday.” She admitted. “Chopping wood in the cold is not my favourite activity.” 

  
  


“Ugh, I get that. I hurt my back a couple days ago chopping wood.” Clarke replied, pulling off her gloves.

  
  


Lexa frowned, coming up behind her. “Where?” She placed her hands on Clarke’s lower back, then moved them up until Clarke grunted out a small _there_. 

  
  


She felt around for the knot, then began to gently massage the tautness of her muscle away. “How does that feel?” She asked, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

  
  


“ _So_ good.” Clarke replied, letting out a little groan. Lexa’s ears went red when Clarke became more and more vocal. “Up a little more?” Lexa pressed her thumb into Clarke's spine and worked her way up, as requested, and closed her eyes when the same sounds left Clarke’s mouth. 

  
  
  


_I just hope you know your touch is welcome_. Clarke’s words came to the forefront of Lexa’s mind as she contemplated taking this one step further. 

  
  


She hesitated at first, then slowly pressed her face into the back of Clarke’s neck. The hand she wasn’t using curled around Clarke’s front. “ _Ai keryons, Klark.”_ (My spirits, Clarke) She murmured. 

  
  


“Oh— I didn’t—“

  
  


Lexa pressed a kiss just behind the back of Clarke’s ear and curled her other arm around Clarke’s front. “ _Ai gaf in yu_.” (I want you). 

  
  


“I’m not stopping you.” Clarke breathed, fingers curling into small fists. Lexa felt the tension in her arms and reached around, sliding her fingers around Clarke’s fists until she relaxed. 

  
  


“I am not well versed in this area. Guide me?” 

  
  


Clarke was hesitant at first, Lexa guessed it was because she felt nervous, or maybe a little uncertain, but she placed one of Lexa’s hands on her stomach and the other she held onto. 

  
  


_Slowly,_ Lexa thought, gradually edging Clarke shirt up until she could splay her fingers over bare skin. Clarke’s breathing was inconsistent at best. 

  
  


“Can I remove your jacket?” Lexa asked, stepping back a little to let Clarke turn around. She did, eventually, but the process was long and drawn out. 

  
  


“Are you okay?” Lexa frowned at the question, though eased when Clarke leaned forward to press a kiss to her cheek. 

  
  


“I am good.” She said, gently peeling Clarke’s jacket off. “I meditated today. I feel in touch with myself.” She added, tucking her face back into Clarke’s neck. Clarke didn’t push, she just held Lexa in place.

  
  


“You did the exercises Gaia suggested?”

  
  


“Yes. They helped ease my anxiety.”

  
  


“And you’re… okay?”

  
  


“Why would I not be?”

  
  


Clarke sighed, shaking her head. “I know you don’t have a connection to your ancestors anymore.” Lexa smiled at Clarke’s selflessness. 

  
  


“I think I am growing into my own skin.” She said, then frowned. “I am no longer _Leksa kom Trikru_ , I am Lexa, _niron_ of Clarke, friend to many.” She felt odd saying that, but it wasn’t… untruthful. 

  
  


“You can still be both. My reputation never went away. You learn to find a balance. Being normal isn’t all that easy when you have a bad history.” Clarke said, smiling. “Would you like to take this to the bed? I wasn’t kidding when I said my back hurt.” 

  
  


Lexa released a long, dramatic exhale. “I suppose.” 

  
  


Clarke snorted at Lexa’s response. 

  
  
  


***

  
  


Winter was at its end. Clarke would not miss the wet socks and early nights, although she would admit to missing the lazy mornings spent in bed with no other care in the world. 

  
  


Clarke planted a kiss to Lexa’s shoulder, then one to her cheek. 

  
  


“I do not wish to get out of bed.” Lexa mumbled, attempting to hide her face in their pillows. 

  
  


“We are on scouting duty today. It’s either get up now, or suffer Ravens rath later today.” 

  
  


Lexa let out a grumble, cautiously letting her eyes open. “If Anya could see me right now.” She muttered, curling a hand around the back of Clarke’s neck. “I’d be doing laps around our village.” She grinned, learning in to press a tender kiss to Clarke’s lips. 

  
  


“Should I be worried you’re thinking about Anya right now?” 

  
  


“Do not turn this into one of your crude jokes.” 

  
  


Clarke grinned, pecking Lexa’s lips once more before edging herself out of bed. She got out of her sleeping clothes and dressed. She sent a pointed look at Lexa as she stretched in bed. “You’re not old enough to joke about joint pain and arthritis.” She teased, adjusting her gloves. 

  
  


“Am I old enough to complain about back pain?”

  
  


“We all have back pain. Get dressed. I’ll meet you by the main camp, yeah?”

  
  


She went to go freshen up by the main camp site and sent Gaia a small nod in greeting.

  
  


“Where is Lexa?”

  
  


“She’s acting like a child. She refused to get out of bed. She should be here shortly.”

  
  


“Lexa has been acting very…” 

  
  


Clarke’s lips pulled into a small smile. “Non-commander-like?”

  
  


“That’s one way to put it.”

  
  


“She is a very good _niron_ when she isn’t plagued by guilt. I suppose it’s odd that everyone else gets to see her the way I did back in Polis.”

  
  


“She acted like this back in _Polis_?” Gaia let out a laugh. “I can imagine Titus’ dissatisfaction.”

  
  


Despite Lexa being back for a little under 5 months, she hadn’t ventured far from Clarke’s side. Even on her bad days, she didn’t stray far. She could understand everyone’s confusion; Lexa was quite literally the most punctual _Heda_ they had ever had. This must have been… an experience. 

  
  


_It is nice knowing she doesn’t need to bear the weight of the world on her shoulders anymore,_ Clarke thought, humming. 

  
  


“You… didn’t hear of Lexa’s death?”

  
  


“Ontari twisted the reality of her death to her own use. People were told _Wanheda_ seduced Lexa and shot her down. We also got told Lexa was weak, and her punishment was just. She was loved, that much is true, but she was also used as _Azgeda_ propaganda.” 

  
  


Clarke frowned. “Titus was trying to shoot me. He thought by getting rid of me, Lexa would return focus to her work as the commander.”

  
  


Gaia looked physically distressed. “A… _Fleimkepa_ … That is unspeakable.” 

  
  


Clarke ducked her head in shame. “Why do you think I was so against Madi becoming commander?” 

  
  


“We never talked about it. I assumed you had personal reasons.”

  
  


Lexa cleared her throat from behind them, hands tucked behind her back. “Titus didn’t know how to use _tek_. I came in at the wrong time.” Clarke turned around, shaking her head. 

  
  


“We were just—“

  
  


“Do we not have scouting duty?” 

  
  


Clarke mouthed an apology to Gaia before they went off. Clarke didn’t know why Lexa was acting so irrational all of a sudden, it wasn’t like they were conspiring behind her back. 

  
  


_She probably heard Gaia talking about Wanheda seducing her and assumed I was bad-mouthing her too,_ she thought. Lexa had a lot of insecurities, especially with a group so small. 

  
  


“Gaia was explaining how the public twisted your death around.” She tried to break the ice. 

  
  


“That does not surprise me.”

  
  


“People didn't know Titus—“

  
  


“I do not wish to talk about this.”

  
  


“Why not? We always dance around the topic. Shouldn’t we just talk?”

  
  


“As much as you have moved on from my death, I still suffer the consequences. For you, it has been years. For me, it has been months. Do you not understand that?” 

  
  


Clarke blew out a breath and stopped walking. “Of course I do, why wouldn’t I?” 

  
  


“Because you continuously bring it up as if it is—“

  
  


“I had to go 7 years without you. 7 years, Lexa. Do _you_ understand what that did to me? I grieved for your death, I had nightmares for months— years! I thought about you when I went to sleep, I thought about you when I woke up— I had to watch my daughter take on the same burdens you did! I had to watch her transcendent without me! When I destroyed the flame— when I lost the one thing connecting me to you— Do you not understand how hard that was for me? Being alone for all those years?”

  
  


Lexa looked completely taken back. 

  
  


“I never—“

  
  


“It’s always how you feel. I get that. You died. But I had to deal with the aftermath of your death and pick up the pieces on my own.”

  
  


Lexa opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. Clarke felt like crying, maybe yelling, but knew better than to raise her voice in an argument. 

  
  


“That’s what I thought. I’m not angry at you. I’m hurt that you’d think I didn’t go through pain and suffering too.” Clarke shook her head, sparing Lexa one more glance, then turned to go back to the camp. She needed space. 

  
  
  


***

  
  


Space turned into at least 3 days of awkward tension. Lexa didn’t quite know how to apologise, or how to let Clarke know she was wrong for being so stupid. She truthfully hadn’t taken Clarke’s prospective into consideration. 

  
  


_Because you haven’t been sticking to a routine. Because you’ve been slack,_ she thought, eyebrows furrowing. _No, because you’ve never been a long-term snogon (loved one), you don’t know the first thing about love. Stop making excuses._

  
  


It wasn’t just that she had no idea how to be a decent _niron,_ she also didn’t know how to work through trauma with someone that seemingly went through a similar situation. 

  
  


Lexa deflated outside their cabin. Months had passed and yet… They had made almost no progress as a _tu_ (pair). She thought about the weddings she had blessed as _Heda,_ the love people shared, and thought about whether that was something she could translate to Clarke. 

  
  


Lexa knew she wasn’t good with words. Despite being able to communicate effectively with their joint vocabularies, they still hadn’t figured out how to touch sensitive topics. Lexa could own her mistake; accept that she was in the wrong, but that didn’t make it any less painful. 

  
  


She imagined watching Clarke die in her arms, thought about the years of solitude after her death, raising Aden on her own and attempting to develop as a person outside of her role as commander. 

  
  


Living without the warmth of Clarke’s body beside her own, living knowing she’d been the reason Clarke was no longer in this world— _How I would be angry. I would despise her for leaving me._

  
  


“What’re you doing?” A voice startled her. She looked over at Raven and sighed. 

  
  


“We had a disagreement.” She said, dropping her head in shame. “I have been selfish. I do not know how to speak to her.” 

  
  


“Do you want to help us prepare dinner? Maybe it’ll help you think of a decent apology?” 

  
  


Lexa crinkled up her nose in distaste, she did not want to be surrounded by anyone other than Clarke, though maybe that’s where a lot of her problems stemmed from. She was highly dependent on Clarke for happiness. She’d isolated herself purposely. 

  
  


She glanced at the door, sighed, then marched behind Raven towards their main community campground. She didn’t say anything for a while.

  
  


“I have a question.” She said suddenly, tossing the fish skin into a bucket. “You got to watch Clarke grow into the person she is today. What does she enjoy doing most?”

  
  


“She still likes her art.” Raven shrugged. “A lot of the Clarke we both knew back in Polis died after the City of Light. She went through a lot. She… quite literally became a completely different person. When we got down from the Ark, after the 4 years alone, Clarke wasn’t Clarke. Clarke wasn’t even _Wanheda_. She was…”

  
  


“Clarke suffered the loss of her entire family.” Indra chimed in. “She didn’t just lose her daughter, she lost her _nomon._ ” 

  
  


Lexa thought heavily for a long moment. “ _Klark…. Bak au._ ” (Clarke changed) She sighed, grinding her teeth. 

  
  


“ _Sha, Leksa._ Clarke needed to change to survive. Madi was her saving grace. You should have seen her take out an entire group of people when she found Madi brain dead.” Raven used words she wasn’t familiar with. 

  
  


Gaia slapped the back of Raven’s head. “Watch your language. She was a child.”

  
  


Lexa stared at Raven. “They… they made her….” 

  
  


“ _Greimada wamplei._ ” (Brain death) Gaia translated. 

  
  


“ _Chon ona skafa.”_ (What the hell) She exclaimed. “Why has no one mentioned this to me?”

  
  


“ _Heda…_ Madi meant the world to us. We are still processing her death. She was…” Gaia started. 

  
  


“She reminded me of you.” Indra cut in. “Madi looked just as you did when you were young.” 

  
  


Lexa frowned. “So…” Lexa heaved a long sigh, trying to process everything. “Madi’s death must have triggered the feelings of my death?” 

  
  


“Probably. Clarke hasn’t talked about Madi at all. She probably hasn’t grieved. The energy she’s put into repairing your….” Raven looked to Gaia, waiting for her to find the right word. 

  
  


“Your bond, Lexa. She has put all her energy into repairing what you two had that she hasn’t grieved the loss of her own blood. Clarke does not have a selfish bone in her body.” Lexa swallowed the negative feelings pooling in her stomach. 

  
  


“You’re all oblivious.” Octavia finally stepped in. “You are _trikru_ , are you not?”

  
  


Lexa tilted her head curiously. “Yes.”

  
  


“ _Trikru_ value honesty, do they not? Tell Clarke that you are sorry for being a bitch and offer her an ear. Do not bring up Madi. Clarke will tell you when she’s ready.” 

  
  


Lexa sighed, nodding. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Clarke did not want to talk. She didn’t even want to be in the same facility of Lexa, which was kind of ironic considering 5 years ago all she’d longed for was Lexa’s presence. 

  
  


This happened to normal people, right? _This is what people go through when they’re in a relationship, no? I don’t remember much about the Ark but I do remember my mom and dad having arguments every now and then. They seemed stronger for it._

  
  


Then again, the lives Clarke and Lexa had lived certainly didn’t scream normal. 

  
  


“Clarke?”

  
  


She looked down from her spot in their treehouse. “Yes?”

  
  


“I would like to take accountability for my actions.” Clarke perked an eyebrow. “I have not been very fair. We are meant to be in this together, right? I have been selfish, and wrong. You deserve comfort for the troubles you have endured. I wish to… uh… _doteip_? Is that the word?” (Repair).

  
  


Clarke chewed on her lower lip, trying to find a reason to stay upset. “Yes. That is the correct word.” 

  
  


“I wish to _doteip_ the bridge I managed to blow up.” 

  
  


Clarke opened her mouth to reply, then closed it when she realised what Lexa was implying. 

  
  


_The bridge Raven blew up back when we first got to the ground._

  
  


“I do not forgive you.” She said boldly. “But I will give you praise for using that analogy. I’d completely forgotten that had happened.”

  
  


Lexa smiled up at her, fumbling with her fingers. “I remember finding out you’d burnt my warriors alive. I wanted to make you pay by a death by a thousand cuts.” 

  
  


Clarke let out a laugh. “Is that so?”

  
  


“Yes. I was angry. I understood why you did it, but I didn’t appreciate losing so many of my good warriors. Anya would have punched me in the throat if she’d seen the way I’d looked at you when you walked into my war tent.”

  
  


“Why?”

  
  


“Because I was… what’s the term you use? I was _thirsting_ for a pretty foreign girl?”

  
  


Clarke snorted, lifting her hand to cover her mouth. “Is that so?”

  
  


“I remember not being able to sleep that night. I kept thinking about how you thought it wise to try and demand peace after Finns crimes. It was almost humorous, had you not looked so full of dread.” She paused, sighing. “I also remember vividly having a dream about you. I woke up startled. That’s when the commanders started to warn me of getting close to you.”

  
  


“You’ve never been the best at listening.”

  
  


“No. I have not. I admired your strength. No one of my culture dared question _Heda’s_ decision. You made me feel human.” 

  
  


Clarke felt the anger fading away. She looked at Lexa for a long while, trying to find the right words. 

  
  


“What’re you trying to do?”

  
  


“Be honest with you.”

  
  


“I’m still angry at you.”

  
  


“I respect that.”

  
  


“What was I doing in your dream?”

  
  


“What dream?”

  
  


“After we meet?”

  
  


Lexa visible squirmed, face scrunched up in discomfort. “It was not a bad dream, I can assure you.”

  
  


“Why’re you acting so suspicious then?”

  
  


“Because I was dreaming of your skin. In a sense, anyway. It was… smooth, not completely scar-free, but it looked soft. I was dreaming about how it would feel to touch your face.” 

  
  


Clarke didn’t know why she found that so sweet. “Have you ever had wet dreams about me?” She was purposely trying to make Lexa uncomfortable.

  
  


“I did not dream about sleeping with you at first. It was purely my own subconscious wanting to feel you. I do not know how to explain it. I wanted to feel the warmth of your body. You seemed… _pyur_ , in a sense. I wanted to know what it felt like to touch someone that had lived in the stars.” Lexa released a huff. “You frustrated me to no end. Those dreams did not last long. May I join you?” 

  
  


Clarke thought about it for a moment. She’d been enjoying her own company. “Fine.”

  
  


Lexa climbed up and sat across from her, legs dangling over the side of the wooden platform. “I thought about kissing you often. It was hard to sleep the nights leading up to the battle. If I was to die, I would have liked to have been with you.”

  
  


“You said you’d been alone for years. How long did you deprive yourself of someone else’s company?”

  
  


“Too long. It was probably why I was so infatuated with you.”

  
  


“Because of the sexual tension?”

  
  


“Because you made me feel alive.”

  
  


Clarke glanced down at the ground, frowning. “Why didn’t you just get someone to share a bed with you?”

  
  


“Clarke…” Lexa groaned. “Had you seen another woman slip into my tent how would you have felt?”

  
  


“Point taken.” Clarke paused. “Wait—“ Clarke turned to fully look at Lexa, eyes narrowed. “You refrained from being with anyone else because you thought it might put me off you?” 

  
  


“Well… I also needed sleep…” Lexa’s face went a little red. “Like I said, Anya would have punched me in the throat for thirsting over a pretty foreign girl.” 

  
  


Clarke finally gave in and smiled. It wasn’t much, but at least Lexa had taken the time to apologise. The little insight from Lexa’s own point of view was welcome too, Clarke had always wondered how Lexa felt when they’d first met. 

  
  


“Would you like to talk now?”

  
  


“Not particularly, but it is necessary if we are to move forward.”

  
  


“Why don’t we start with you? Do you want to hear about the events that took place after your death?” 

  
  


“Go slow. It will be a lot to process.”

  
  


Clarke nodded. 

  
  
  


_It was a start._

  
  
  



	2. Understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't 100% proof read this but I wanted to get this chapter out as I finished up writing this little mini series :) 
> 
> I just had exams so I've been strung thin, sorry for the delay!

How did one process their own death?

_ Well, you start by understanding that it happened for a reason _ , Lexa thought. 

She looked down at Clarke sleeping against her chest and sighed. Clarke had been explaining the events that came after her death the past couple of weeks and it seemed like a lot for anyone to go through, let alone a girl from the sky that hadn’t been hardened by war. She did feel bad for Bellamy, she never liked him, but she could admire the passion he had for his people. She still didn’t understand the ageless sleep Clarke kept talking about but she understood it enough to know Clarke was biologically 24 winters old, though slept for over 100 years. 

_ I wonder what it was like drifting throughout the stars _ , she thought. 

There were times she wanted to curl in on herself and disappear for a couple days, but she tried to think about the consequences her actions would bring. Clarke had yet to open up about how she felt about Madi’s death, or even Lexa’s. She’d been sticking to the hard facts, tiny details about what happened when  _ praimfya  _ happened.

Lexa was curious about the reasoning behind it.  _ Bekka  _ had shown her visions of the bombs going off originally, but Lexa hadn’t comprehended the damage it had done.

Lexa wondered if focusing on making sure she was okay was part of Clarke’s coping mechanism; hiding behind a wall of distractions to keep herself sane. 

“You look troubled.” She snapped out of her thoughts, glancing down at Clarke. 

“I did not mean to wake you.”

“I’ve been in and out of consciousness for a while.” Clarke hummed, her face pressing into the crook of Lexa’s arm.

“Nightmares?”

“Sorta.” 

Lexa gave her arm a little rub. “I am here if you would like to talk.”

Clarke yawned, nodding, then curled back into Lexa’s side. They didn’t say anything else for some time. 

“I keep dreaming about the valley.” Clarke whispered. 

Lexa hummed, acknowledging Clarke’s words. “Madi’s valley?”

“Yes. She was  _ Madi Louwoda Klironkru _ .” Clarke elaborated. “Did you ever tour the different villages?”

“I do know where that is,” Lexa began. “Faintly.” She frowned. “But yes, often. I stayed in Polis for the winters.” She glanced down at Clarke again. “What was happening in your dream?”

“She was teaching me how to use a bow.” Clarke said, voice low. 

“I am guessing you weren’t very good?” Lexa shifted, turning to lay on her side facing Clarke. 

“I wasn’t  _ terrible _ ,” Clarke smiled. “But she was much better.” 

“How did she manage to hide from the scouts?”

“Her parents hid her. She didn’t talk about it very often.” 

Lexa cautiously slid her arm over Clarke’s waist and sighed. “The stories of hidden  _ natblida  _ are not uncommon. Titus used to talk about what would happen to the parents if they tried to hide their children to scare us into submission.”

“What was the punishment?”

“Sometimes they would make the children watch as they cut their parents heads off, or take limbs as punishment.” She frowned. “It is their first lesson.”

“That seems harsh.” Clarke said, shaking her head. “Why would you do that?”

“Because it teaches them that love is weakness.”

“When did they start introducing that idea? You told me you saw a vision of a past commander being carried into their new home. Surely it wasn’t always that way?” 

“ _ Sheidheda _ changed the way my people viewed their commanders.”

Clarke propped herself up on her elbows, curiously looking at Lexa. “He brought that custom in?”

“Not entirely. It is hard to pinpoint when we started believing love was weakness. I am glad I was able to see both sides of the story. Past  _ Heda _ ’s never present full memories. They are very reserved. I was shown that memory to help with the grief of losing Costia, so I didn’t feel guilty for feeling for someone else, but it was also a reminder.”

“Do you still believe that love is weakness?”

“Partly. It develops from the primal need to feel validated by another being. I suspect it is different for everyone. I have blessed many weddings, and each person has a different idea of  _ hod in _ .”

“What’s your idea of love?”

“I…” Lexa frowned; she’d never thought about it. She focused on her feelings over the reasoning behind it. “Do you know what  _ niron  _ comes from?”

“No. Trig is broken  _ gonasleng  _ though, right?”

“ _ Sha, Klark.  _ It comes from two words. Near,  _ nir _ , and one,  _ on _ . Near one.” Lexa explained. “I suppose I’ve never put much thought into what I think love is.” She looked at Clarke with sleepy eyes.  _ “Ai believe ai ste a fiyon. Taim… bilaik got tob of kom soncha.” _ (I believe it is a feeling. When your stomach fills with light).

“Yeah?” Clarke sent her a little smile.

“ _ Sha _ . I do not know what the proper translation is for it in  _ gonasleng _ . When your stomach fills with…”

“Butterflies?”

Lexa pursed her lips in thought. “It does not feel like butterflies. They are soft and gentle. When I am with you my stomach fills with heat,” She paused. “It is not as pleasant as butterflies. It is more intense.” She sighed.

“I understand what you mean. I feel the same.”

Lexa’s eyes light up. “You do?”

“Why would I not?”

“Because you might have different symptoms of love.” Lexa huffed. “I know of a warrior that bonded with a close friend. He explained his symptoms as gut ache due to the fact he had never felt anything else for someone other than himself.”

“Symptoms of love?” Clarke repeated, sending her a curious look.

“Is that not what you call the feelings of love?”

“I just never thought of it like that.” Clarke said, edging a little closer. Lexa curled her arm around Clarke’s lower back and tried to think of another way to answer Clarke’s question.

“I also think love is affection.” Lexa frowned, feeling like her answer was wrong. “I was not allowed to show affection. Kissing? Embracing? Those are strange to me. I would have had my hands whipped for touching anyone outside of battle.”

“I thought you could sleep around?”

“Not while I was training.” Lexa let out a little laugh. “I was a child. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted the flame to pick me, and then when it did I was so focused on rebuilding the  _ Kongeda  _ that I did not crave the company of another.”

“So… you never got to experience proper human contact until you became commander?”

“Yes.” Lexa shrugged. “When men become  _ Heda  _ it is common for them to produce their own offspring. They are to have no relationship with them unless they are born  _ natblida _ . Woman are forbidden to have children; it would affect our ability to lead, so most choose a life without sexual intimacy. It was fortunate that I enjoyed woman’s company over that of men. I was allowed to do as I pleased so long I didn’t form feelings.”

“That sounds unfair.”

“Do men carry their own children?”

“No…”

“What sex a child is born usually doesn’t impact the way they can live unless they have  _ sheidjus _ (nightblood). It is fair. I got to raise most of the  _ natblida _ brought back to Polis, so it wasn’t as if I went without motherhood. To me, they were my own.” Lexa thought of Aden and blew out a little exhale. “I would not enjoy carrying a child. It seems like a lot of hard work. I always admired warriors that had children of their own.”

“I wouldn’t have minded.” Clarke admitted, making Lexa frown.

“Why didn’t you?”

“The world ended, remember?”

Lexa’s cheeks warmed at the realisation. She was quiet for a couple minutes. She chewed on the inside of her cheek, contemplating her next works. “Why did you never form a relationship with Bellamy?”

“I never saw him that way.” Clarke replied a little too quickly. “I mean… I thought he was attractive, and he was… caring, but he was never an option.” Clarke’s cheeks started going red. “What would you say if I told you I had a thing with Niylah?”

Lexa looked at Clarke with parted lips, unsure how to respond. “What sort of ‘thing’?”

“We slept together.” A pause. “More than once.”

“So… she was your  _ niron _ ?”

“No. I was rebounding after your death. It was never serious.”

Lexa did not know how to feel about this information. “Rebound?” She questioned, digging herself into a hole.

“Oh, uh… I don’t have a translation. It’s just someone you sleep with to get over someone else.”

“That doesn’t seem healthy.” Lexa blew out a long breath. “You don’t have feelings towards her?”

“Would I be with you if I had feelings for Niylah?”

_ This is true _ , Lexa thought.  _ I suppose there is nothing to feel bad about. _

***

Clarke shoved the tip of her knife into the ground and uprooted a patch of dirt, then placed a couple of seeds into the hole she had created. She did this for another line, then paused to take a break and catch her breath. It was the beginning of the growing season. Winter had been rough; they’d lived off of what they could catch and Clarke refused to go through that again. Gaia was on the opposite side of the felid, but close enough she could call over too.

“How many more do you have to go?”

“Half a basket.”

Clarke could suck it up .

They finished an hour or two later. Gaia was the first to leave, she needed to go and make sure Indra was back from her hunting mission. Clarke stayed behind, admiring the work she’d accomplished. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough to make her feel content.

She was about to leave when two arms slipped around her waist. Her reflex was to tense and raise her arm, ready to fight the attack invading her personal space. She froze when a hand caught her elbow. “ _ Hod op, em ste ai, Leksa _ .” (Stop, it is me, Lexa) Clarke panicked, turning around to face Lexa.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting it—”

Lexa let out a chesty huff. “I am offended.” Her lips twitched, indicating she was joking. “When was the last time you trained?”

“In the valley. I don’t know why I thought someone was trying to hurt me. I just wasn’t expecting you to sneak up on me.”

“I will make sure I mimic your heavy feet next time.” Lexa mused. “I am intrigued,” Lexa started. “Would you like to spar with me?”

Clarke frowned, she’d seen Lexa fight, but never physically spent time training with her personally. “I’m out of practise too. Can we do it in the meadow?”

“I think that would be wise.”

Clarke gestured for Lexa to follow, then glanced behind them to admire her work one last time.

When they got to the meadow the sun was high in the sky. It was a nice change.

“Do you know proper posture?” Lexa asked, tugging off her jerkin.

“My fighting style is sloppy compared to yours.” Clarke admitted. “I know of the proper posture, but don’t use it.”

Lexa smiled at her and adjusted her tunic. “That is fine. I am months out of practise.” Lexa rolled the bottoms of her pants up. “I will admit I miss my uniform. It was comfortable to fight in.” She rolled her shoulders. “Do you want to do one round to see what level we are at?”

“Yeah, that works.” Clarke nodded, bringing her hands up. She knew Lexa liked to alternate between offensive and defensive, so circled her movements. When Lexa struck forward, she deflected it, catching Lexa’s arm. Lexa did a reverse, twisting Clarke under her weight. Just as she was about to flip Clarke over her shoulder, Clarke tugged her arm behind her back and rolled Lexa to the ground. Lexa let out a loud grunt, looking startled.

“When did you learn that?” She asked.

“Lots of practise.” Clarke replied.

“That was… unexpected.” Lexa admitted, pushing herself up to her feet. “I will not underestimate you again.”

Clarke crinkled up her nose. “I lost a lot of weight during winter. I don’t expect it will be hard to beat me.”

“It is normal for a warriors weight to fluctuate throughout the seasons.” Lexa’s expression went blank. “You ready?”

Clarke swallowed and took a deep breath. Within 5 second of nodding her head, Lexa had her flipped over her shoulder and pinned to the ground. Clarke tapped out, shaking her head. This happened another 3 times. When Lexa managed to push her front into the ground, she tapped out.

“That was highly unfair!” She rolled onto her back, groaning. When Lexa offered her a hand, she pulled her down on top of her and curled both legs around her abdomen. She rolled them, pinning Lexa down, then laughed.

“I hope you realise in battle that move is highly suggested against.” Lexa said, glaring at her.

“Why?” She felt a sharp object press against her bottom rib and rose an eyebrow down at Lexa. “Is that a knife in your pants or are you just happy to see me?” Lexa’s stoic façade broke, a laugh erupting. Clarke grinned, pleased with Lexa’s reaction. “We aren’t in battle, we’re sparing.” She pointed out, pulling back to place her knees on either side of Lexa’s hips. “Where did you find that?” She knelt up and took the blade.

“I made it.”

“You know how to make blades?”

“No, I found it. I just sharpened it.”

Clarke let out a little  _ hmph _ then looked down at Lexa. “Interesting you’d bring this with you.”

“Hey! You’ve got to be prepared. What if a bear came out of the woods? How would we protect ourselves?”

Clarke marked a little X over Lexa’s left breast. “Do you remember when I tried to kill you that one time?”

“Which time?” Lexa sent her a pointed look. “You have tried to kill me many times.”

“True.” She slipped the blade back into Lexa’s hand. “I’m talking about that time in my room. You came in and I pressed a blade to your throat?”

Lexa made an odd face as she tucked the knife back into her boot. “Yes, I remember, why?”

“I should have kissed you then.” Clarke said, shifting to get a little more comfortable. “Maybe things would have been different if I had.” She frowned a little. Lexa’s hands moved to the outside of her thighs as she adjusted under Clarke’s weight. Just as Clarke was about to get up, Lexa gripped onto her hips.

“You don’t have to move.” She reassured, frowning. “Things may have been worse. I might not have killed Nia, Ice Nation might have captured you.” Clarke sighed, fumbling with her hands.

“But we would have had more time.”

“And then this radiation wave you talk about would have wiped us both out for nothing and we wouldn’t be here.” Lexa corrected.

_ She’s not wrong _ , she thought.  _ Doesn’t stop me from wishing we had done things differently. _

Lexa took her hands when she started to pick at her nails and kissed her knuckles. “Do you want to go again?”

“Will you go easy on me?”

Lexa’s eyes twinkled playfully. “Never.”

  
  


***

_ Lexa looked down at her stomach, blood steaming from under her 3 _ _ rd _ _ rib. There wasn’t anything she could do; she was paralyzed from the head down. Clarke’s appearance was fading, black blood covering her arms. _

__

_ “Don’t leave me.” She begged, trying to apply pressure to the wound site. _

__

_ “I don’t want to go.” She choked, shaking. She’d never experienced emotional distress as painful as this. “It hurts.” _

_ “I know. I’m sorry.” _

_ Lexa swallowed hard. “You’ve got to go. Before it comes.” _

_ “I’m not leaving you.” Clarke snapped. “I can’t.” _

_ Lexa shook her head, choking on her exhale. “You need to go.” _

_ “No.” _

_ Lexa would have laughed. She found the strength to push Clarke’s hands away and then held them, trying her best to hold on. “I am ready.” She stated. “They call for me.” _

_ “Who’s calling for you?” Clarke sobbed. _

_ “Anya, Gustus.” _

Lexa startled awake, sitting up gasping for air. She clutched at her shirt, trying to feel around for the entry wound. Static filled her ears, the pounding of her heart the only thing audible. She felt two hands curl around her neck but couldn’t make who it was out. 

“Lex — Lexa — ” She started to make out her name and shook her head. 

“ _ Ai nou gaf in gon gyon au. _ ” (No. I don’t want to go) She tried to argue, chest heaving as she tried to suck in enough air. “ _ Ai laik nou ogud. _ ” (I’m not ready).

“Lexa —”

  
  


“No!”

  
  


“It’s me! Clarke!” 

She squeezed her eyes shut.  _ It’s not real. Clarke can’t be here with me.  _

“What can you smell?”

  
  


“ _ Byou. _ ” (Sweat).

  
  


“What colour can you see?” 

“ _ Sheid _ .” (Black). 

She felt her senses returning. 

“ _ Ai fig raun ai don ste gon. _ ” (I thought I was gone). 

“ _ Yu nou laik. Chich op ai? _ ” (You’re not, talk to me?) Clarke’s voice was drenched with sleep. 

Lexa reached up to feel for Clarke’s arms, then tucked her face into Clarke’s neck once she had her bearings. She focused on calming down over talking, breathing Clarke in. Clarke was kneeling over Lexa’s thighs, cradling Lexa against her chest. 

“ _ Ai don ste ledon. Yu nou don hod op blid au. Ai could hear anya en gustus as gon ai. _ ” (I was wounded. You couldn't stop the bleeding. I could hear Anya and Gustus calling for me) Lexa murmured, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s torso. 

_ “Em don jos a flashpa.”  _ (It was just a dream) Clarke whispered, drawing little patterns over the back of Lexa’s neck. Lexa didn’t move, she didn’t have the energy, she just squeezed Clarke tight. 

“ _ Dison nami fousen. _ ” (This one felt real) Lexa breathed. “ _ Ai don dula nou gaf in gon ban op yu _ .” (I did not want to leave you). 

“It’s okay, I promise.” Clarke cooed, stroking Lexa’s hair. “Can you feel me?”

“ _ Sha _ .” Lexa did not want to move. 

“Then you don’t need to panic. I’m not going anywhere.” 

_ What if I leave you again?  _ She thought, swallowing the lump forming in her throat.  _ What if I hurt you again.  _

***

Lexa spent the next couple of days distracted by her work. She had a lot on her mind. They still had not made love, or spent the time talking about Clarke’s troubles, or even the night terrors Lexa had been having. 

It was always one step forward, 3 steps back. 

Lexa didn’t want to admit it, but being a  _ niron  _ was hard. It was not as fun as everyone made it out to be. 

“ _ Leksa _ ,” Indra greeted, bowing her head. Lexa looked over at her, pausing her basket weaving. “Gaia wanted me to come get you.” Lexa looked at Indra curiously, then carefully set her basket aside to follow.

Gaia was sitting near the side of the river. She approached cautiously. “I was summoned?”

“Clarke told me about your night terrors.” Lexa should have seen this coming. “I was trained as a  _ fleimkepa _ and helped mentor Madi when the burden of the flame was passed onto her. She too had night terrors, though not as intense as the one’s Clarke describes.”

“I was aware you had training,” Lexa said, then deflated. “But I did not know the extent of your training.”

_ How long have I been back? Almost an entire year? And I haven’t thought about getting to know anyone? _

“I was going to offer my services when you first appeared but didn’t want to intervene. I grieved the loss of our culture too.” She gestured with her hand. “Sit.”

  
  


Lexa sat beside her and crossed her legs, nervously grinding her teeth.

“Are you familiar with the term  _ reknes _ ?” (Depression).

“I have heard of it.” Lexa admitted, curious. “But I do not know much about the subject.”

“It is when a great sadness plagues a person. It effects the  _ greimada _ .” Gaia pointed to her temple. “You have not been training, you do not get out bed until late in the day, you do not reach out for social interaction, and most importantly, you curl in on yourself and do not look happy, even when you’re around Clarke.”

Lexa swallowed hard. She didn’t know what to say.

“Starting from now on, we will be training twice a day, once at dawn, once at dusk. You will be required to practise meditation throughout the day when you feel as if you are floating, and you will begin eating more.”

Lexa blinked. “I eat.”

“Clarke has to force feed you most days,  _ Leksa _ . You will need to start being independent. You will also be required to come to community events. We have had many festivals and you have chosen to stay in your home. Clarke has made an effort, you have not. When was the last time you bathed?”

“One week ago.”

Gaia got up and left. Lexa frowned, remaining in place. A minute or two passed, then just as she was about to get up, Gaia poured a bucket of water over Lexa’s head.

“You will also be required to bathe twice a week.”

***

Clarke watched Lexa stumble backwards with a small smile. Indra, Echo, Gaia, and Octavia were all circled around Lexa, each taking a turn to fight with her. She was growing tired by the looks of it, but she didn’t back down.

It was good to see Lexa focused on something other than her discontentment. She’d been training everyday for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of Lexa falling asleep the moment her head hit the bed and staying asleep throughout the night. Clarke joined her occasionally, though for the most part left her be; this was something designed to help Lexa grow into her own skin.

The less time she had to focus on caring for Lexa the more time she had to think about Madi. It was becoming harder to hold it in. She’d been able to dive into work, into normalcy, if it meant she could focus on Lexa entirely.

She didn’t really know how to deal with the tightness in her chest, or the weight she felt on her shoulders.

“Gawking at the commander are we?” Niylah’s voice gave her a fright.

“Not really.” Clarke said, trying to hide her smile. “It’s just nice to see her happy.”

“You’ve been quiet lately.” Niylah said, sitting down beside her. “Can you almost believe it’s been a whole year since we started over?”

Clarke blew out a little breath. “It’s insane, right?”

“Yeah,” Niylah cleared her throat. “We are planning on doing something for Madi. She would have been 15.”

Clarke sucked in a deep breath. On her exhale she snapped, an entire waterfall of tears leaking out. Niylah was quick to pull her into a hug and Clarke cried into her shoulder. The reality was Madi would never make it to 15, or 16, or 20. She would never grow old, or live a life full of laughs. Clarke didn’t know what transcending was enough to understand where she was. It was like Madi was just outside of her grasp.

_ It wouldn’t be fair, you know this. She’s happy. _

But was she? Was she happy?

“ _ Klark _ …?”

Clarke shook her head, refusing to let Lexa see her cry. She wiped her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat.

_ I have to be strong. If not for Lexa, then for the  _ group. She sent Niylah a thankful nod, then got up to leave.

“Where are you going?”

“I want to be alone.”

She was thankful Lexa didn’t argue. She walked through the trees and past a small clearing, further enough away to be left with her own thoughts, but close enough she could return when it got dark.

She took a seat on the nearest rock and cried, hugging her knees to her chest. It felt good to cry but it hurt to finally let some of the sadness she’d been holding onto out.

_ I miss you. _

She heard a twig snap and tried to calm herself down. Two arms wrapped around her head, gently coaxing it against something soft. Instead of fighting it, she let it all go. She didn’t care.

_ “Ai niron, ai laik fiya gon bilaik daunnes _ .” (My lover, I am sorry for your sadness) Lexa whispered. “ _ Teik em au _ .” (Let it out).

Clarke sobbed harder, curling her hands into Lexa’s jerkin. Her sobs didn’t let up for almost 20 minutes, they kept increasing in volume until her vocal cords strained and she started wheezing.

“ _ Blou au _ .” (Breathe) Lexa cooed, brushing some of her hair out of her eyes. “ _ Yu na choke ona bilaik gada in spit. Dei de nou bilaik edei gon wan op. Na yu vout in Madi’s leyos?”  _ (You will choke on your own spit. That does not seem like a decent way to die. Could you imagine Madi’s amusement?)

Clarke choked out a laugh, shaking her head. “Yes.” She sucked in a couple gulps of air and exhaled them slowly. She thought about the way Madi used to cackle when they’d playfight and tried to ground herself.

“That’s better. Steady.” Lexa hummed, gently rocking them. Clarke swallowed hard after another moment, then brought her arm up and curled it around Lexa’s neck. She let Lexa support her weight.

“My entire identify revolved around being a mother when no one was around to remember me by  _ Wanheda _ .” Clarke croaked. “I loved watching her grow. I was helping raise a life instead of taking it.” She pulled back with a wet laugh, avoiding Lexa’s gaze as she tried to wipe her tears and snot from Lexa’s jerkin.

“It is hard to find a balance. She gave you that balance.” Lexa said, taking hold of her wrist. “You are allowed to feel, Clarke. You do not need to hide from me. We are past hiding, are we not?”

Clarke swallowed again, closing her eyes. “I don’t want you getting upset because I’m upset.”

“I feel worried. It upsets me when you push me away.”

“I don’t mean too.” She felt fresh tears beginning to form.

“I know.” Lexa cupped her face. “I am not used to being so dependent on someone for everything. In your efforts to help me, I have been _ houdfou  _ (Greedy). I sucked all life out of you and left you with nothing but doubt. Being  _ Heda  _ was a balancing act; I had to learn to give energy to receive it. I have not given you any of my energy, in return we have resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms.” Clarke leaned forward, pressing her forehead against Lexa’s. She kept her eyes shut, scared she’d crumble if she opened them. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” Clarke replied without thought.

_ “Teik ai na der gon yu den.”  _ (Let me be there for you then).

Clarke curled her face into Lexa’s neck and nodded, tears beginning to fall then. The sobbing started back up again.

**

Lexa watched Clarke twist and turn in her sleep, nervously rubbing her hands over her knees. She was due to meet Gaia for training but couldn’t bring herself to leave Clarke like she was. As much as she valued her new routine, she couldn’t help but think this was something they should be doing together.

She brought the furs up around Clarke’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to her temple before she marched out towards her usual training spot. She stopped in front of a meditating Gaia, frowning. “Do you think my routine would help Clarke with her… what is the word? De… deprivation?

“Depression?”

“ _ Sha!  _ That one. Do you think structure would help her?”

“Lexa… I am afraid depression is not the same for everyone. Clarke wasn’t trained from birth, as much as she’d appreciate the effort, everyone copes with mental battles differently.”

Lexa sat in front Gaia with a sigh. “How do I help?”

Gaia paused and thought about her next words carefully. “I think you should talk to Raven. She knows Clarke best. I don’t know.” Lexa didn’t like that answer, but she’d accept it for now. “Are you going to be able to concentrate today? Or are you going to get distracted?”

“I won a war distracted. I should be able to keep up.”

Lexa was knocked on her ass 2 hours later, the sparing session going terribly. She got up with a wince.

_ “Gon we. Yu laik… embarrassing ai _ .” Gaia huffed at her. Lexa sent her a glare as she walked off, trying to walk the pain in her leg off. She found Raven by the community hall tinkering with some  _ tek _ they’d scavenged from the bunker.

“I don’t know what to do.” She announced. “I don’t know what to do to help Clarke through her depression.”

Raven looked up at her with a slight frown. “What do you mean?”

“I do not know what to do. Routine has helped me, but it will not have the same effect on Clarke. You know her better than anyone. How do I help?”

“I mean… Have you tried romancing her?”

Lexa blinked. “Romancing?”

Raven’s lips started pulling into a grin. “You’ve never romanced a woman have you?”

“I have slept with many women, if that is what you are referring too.”

“I mean… sex works too, but I’m talking about romance. The build-up.”

“Are you talking about foreplay?”

Raven snorted. “It’s like foreplay to the foreplay.”

Lexa’s lips formed a tiny ‘o’ as she began to grasp what Raven was talking about. “You are talking about gestures of love?”

“Yeah, that. Have you tried leaving her flowers? Taking her on dates? Spending time with her alone?”

“I have not.” Lexa said, feeling guilty. “Will that help?”

Raven pursed her lips, standing up. “Lexa, when was the last time you two slept together?”

“We haven’t. We came close to it in winter but I did not advance. She had a sore back.”

Raven rose an eyebrow. “Do you know what sexual tension is?”

“Yes. I felt it with Clarke before.”

“Do you know how to pick up on whether someone is sexually frustrated?”

“Raven, she is grieving. I do not think Clarke is sexually frustrated.”

Raven held up her hand. “No, I’m not trying to suggest you blatantly try to get in her pants, I’m talking about how good you are at picking up social cues. The whole point of romancing someone is to gradually build up sexual tension, a slow burning candle? You don’t want it to burn out do you?”

Lexa opened her mouth to reply, then closed it. She tried again only to fall short. “I get what you are saying.” Lexa jutted out her lower lip, deep in thought. “What is a date?”

Raven let out a little gasp. “You don’t know what a date is?”

“No.”

Raven clasped her hands together. “Sit down. I’m about to give you a lecture.”

***

Lexa stood outside their home later that day with a bunch of flowers in her hand. She’d gone out after her lesson with Raven (if you could call it that) and hand picked some of the daisies residing by the lake. She felt confident in herself, but this was completely different from anything she’d ever been taught before.

She knocked and took a step back, waiting for Clarke to answer.

“You’re back early—” Clarke started as she opened the door, then stopped dead in her tracks when her eyes landed on the flowers. Lexa cleared her throat, awkwardly holding them out with both hands.

“I thought you might like some colour in our home. We’ve got to start extension plans so we have more space—” Lexa started rambling, only to be cut off with a little kiss to the corner of her mouth.

“I love them.” Clarke said, gently taking them out of her hands. The tips of Lexa’s ears went a bright red, warmth pooling in her stomach. “Thank you.”

“You are welcome.” Lexa replied, mouth going dry. “I have something else for you.”

“Hmm?” Clark hummed, studying the flowers.

“I have a date planned.” She managed to get out, eyebrows creasing. “If you would like.”

Clarke looked up at her and tilted her head. “You know what a date is?”

“I have lived with your friends for almost an entire year. I have picked up some things.” She lied, sending Clarke a little smile. “Did you know fuck meant having rough sex?” Raven was very good at explaining what swear words she used and how Lexa could use them. Lexa didn’t really know why she told Lexa, but she appreciated the knowledge.

Clarke looked at Lexa with an amused look on her face. “Yes.  _ Jok  _ means the same thing.”

“I knew it could be used in that context, but I didn’t know the  _ gonasleng  _ equivalent.”

“Really?”

“I knew enough  _ gonasleng _ to talk to outsiders but I wasn’t fluent like you are. Why do you think I talk to you in my mother tongue so much?”

“Point taken.” Clarke went inside and returned a couple of moments later pulling on her jacket. “Where are you taking me for this date?”

“It is a secret.” Lexa held out her arm for Clarke to take. “I recently found out the bunker you used to travel was directly under my tower, did you know that?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I did. I was going to take you there eventually. I just didn’t know how you’d feel about seeing your home in ruins.” Clarke said as she curled her arm around Lexa’s bicep.

Lexa smiled to herself as she led them down to the lake side. “It does not sadden me. I am happy my home returned to the earth.” She said, leading them into the woods.

“We’ll have to return one day.” Clarke said, scanning their surroundings. “Do I get a hint as to where you’re taking me?”

“No.” Lexa smirked, taking another turn. She kept leading Clarke further and further away from their settlement, then stopped and looked up at the sky.

“We are here.” She said, lowering her eyes to Clarke’s face.

“You… brought me to the middle of nowhere?”

Lexa smiled. “Patience.” The sun finally sank below the horizon. She glanced around, waiting for the magic to happen, then pointed towards the mushrooms beginning to light up. “They are not the same mushrooms you would have seen when you landed,” She started to explain, glancing around as everything started lighting up. “But they are of the same species.” She turned her attention back to Clarke and gazed hopelessly at the amazed expression on her face.

“I never knew this was here.” Clarke whispered, turning around on the spot. “How’d you find it?”

“I noticed them when I was out hunting one evening.” Lexa let out a content sigh.

Clarke was silent for a long while. Lexa felt weightless. It was almost embarrassing how good she felt giving Clarke something to hold onto.

“Do you want to know something?” Clarke asked, stopping to look at Lexa. Lexa nodded in response. “Finn first showed me the glowing forests.” She said, stepping into Lexa’s space. “I remember thinking ‘ _ this is what love is _ ’.” She wrapped both her arms around Lexa’s neck. “Growing up it was just me and Wells. My parents joked we’d end up together. When he died, it was like that chapter of my life was closed. Finn was meant to be the rest of the book, you know?” Clarke played with the baby hairs on the back of Lexa’s neck. “Then he changed. It was puppy love—  _ Strik hod in _ . Young love.” Lexa nodded, understanding. “When I meet you…” Clarke released a long exhale. Lexa’s heart was thumping in her chest. “I remember thinking how young you were. It was a shock to find the person leading an entire nation of earth-born people was almost the same age as me. You made me feel like I could do anything. If a young adult was able to lead, why couldn’t I? You made me feel like I was an equal.”

“Because you are—”

“I’d never been equal with anyone. I felt a strong pull towards you. You went against everything you’d ever known to listen to me, to learn. You didn’t make me feel small, or feel like my culture was below yours, you made me feel like I belonged.”

“I do not know where you are going with this,” Lexa said with a small frown. “Are you… not happy?”

Clarke scoffed, pressing a sudden kiss to her lips. Lexa let out a shaky exhale and closed her eyes. “I’m trying to tell you I’m thankful.” Clarke whispered. “You’ve remained the same.”

Lexa sighed, lifting a hand to cup the side of Clarke’s face. “I am not the same. I have grown,” She stroked Clarke’s cheek with her thumb. “With you.”

Clarke pulled her into a hug, her face pressing into her shoulder. They remained like that for some time before eventually returning back home.

***

Lexa felt a shift between them as the weeks went by. 

Clarke was beginning to open up more.

It was a nice shift.

She knocked the sparing stick out of Gaia’s hands and pointed her own at Gaia’s throat, retreating when Gaia tapped out. She bent down to pick it up and handed it back over. When Gaia didn’t take it right away, she frowned, then followed her line of site. She tilted her head when she realised Clarke was standing there and glanced at the sparring stick.

“Would you like a go?” She offered. Clarke nodded, taking Gaia’s stick. Clarke didn’t give her any time to prepare, she tapped her arm, then her leg, then deflected all of Lexa’s advances.

Lexa grunted when Clarke’s stick came into contact with her waist and grabbed it mid-swing, tugging Clarke in close. She grinned, half-leaning in as if going in for a kiss, then pulled back when Clarke came in to meet her half-way. “ _ Yu dula slak godaun.”  _ (You are easily distracted) She teased, pecking her cheek before she pushed her away and began tapping her stick at Clarke’s legs.

Clarke instinctively moved back. “You’re using dirty tactics!” Clarke yelped, letting out a loud  _ oof  _ when her back hit a tree. Lexa dropped her stick to the ground and bent down to lift Clarke over her shoulder, carrying her towards the lake.

“No! Lexa! I’m warning yo—” Lexa walked them into waist-deep water before throwing Clarke in. She stood there with a smirk on her face as she waited for Clarke to come up. When she didn’t, Lexa’s eyebrows furrowed.

The concern was short-lived, Clarke surfaced behind her and jumped onto her back, using all her weight to pull Lexa down and under. Lexa let out a little whine when she came back up and laughed. “ _ Chit dula  _ yu _? _ ” (What are you?) She laughed again. “A water monkey?”

“You literally used foul play! I genuinely wanted to train with you!” Clarke exclaimed, snaking her arms around Lexa’s neck as they resided in the deeper water. “Bet you never taught that to any of the  _ natblida _ .”

“I imagine I would be shunned for teaching my future successor how to romance a woman during combat.” Lexa grinned, leaning in close. “It’s effective though, right?”

“Where did  _ you  _ learn how to romance a woman during combat?” Clarke countered, splashing Lexa’s face. Lexa wrinkled her nose, moving closer to the shore so she didn’t have to work so hard to stay afloat.

“I am not blind. I saw one of my warriors do it.” She curled an arm around Clarke’s waist. “He called it sword dancing.” Lexa looked past Clarke towards the shore and felt embarrassment begin to flood her face. Gaia and Raven were watching intently. “ _ Yu enti?”  _ (You hungry?)

Clarke splashed her one more time before departing. Lexa smiled, making her way back to shore close behind her. Raven and Gaia disbanded, heading in separate directions as if to not be suspicious.

“Do you want to change into some fresh clothes?” Lexa asked, ringing the water from her hair. Clarke looked at her with a small crease in her brow. “What?”

“We need haircuts. You especially.”

Lexa huffed, playfully shoving Clarke to the side as she moved past her. “I do not think so.” She headed towards their house, stopping outside of it to tug her wet tunic off. She headed inside shirtless and sorted through their clothes. “Hey, do you know where my black tunic is?” She called out, pursing her lips.

“This one?” Clarke asked, holding up a tunic, back facing Lexa.

Lexa turned around, fully prepared to reply with something coherent, but Clarke was shirtless too and her skin looked so soft. She stood there with a reply at the tip of her tongue.

“Or this one?” Clarke looked over her shoulder, holding up another black tunic.

Lexa frowned. This had not happened before. She was not easily distracted by exposed skin, but there was a lot of it. She glanced out the window, debating her next move.

_ Would anyone notice if we didn’t return? _

“Yes? No?”

Lexa took the tunic from Clarke’s hand and then let it drop to the ground. She pressed a kiss to the back of Clarke’s shoulder, hands hesitantly moving to her hips. “No.” She murmured, pressing her front against Clarke’s back. She pressed the tip of her nose to Clarke’s neck and breathed her in. On her exhale, she moved a hand around to Clarke’s pants and attempted to untie the lace keeping them up. “ _ Ste disha kei? _ ” (Is this okay?) She asked, pressing another kiss to Clarke’s shoulder.

Clarke’s breath hitched when Lexa’s hand splayed over her stomach. Lexa hummed, pressing her lips to Clarke’s neck. “ _ Sha? Nou? _ ” (Yes? No?) She teased in a whisper.

“Yes.” Clarke finally got out, leaning back into Lexa’s chest. Lexa spent some time scattering kisses over Clarke’s neck as her other hand came around to ease the knot she couldn’t get loose with one hand. Once Clarke’s pants were loose enough, she slowly dipped her right hand down past Clarke’s navel, the other rested just below Clarke’s breast. 

“Are you sure?” She swallowed, running her nose just under Clarke’s jaw.

“ _ Mhm _ ,” Clarke uttered, reaching behind to curl her fingers into Lexa’s hair. “I just… I haven’t… It’s…” Clarke let out a little moan when Lexa’s hand cupped her sex. Lexa’s breathing picked up.

“It’s been a long time.” Lexa finished for Clarke, her eyes squeezed shut. There was so much heat radiating from between Clarke’s legs.  _ It’d forgotten how good it felt to be this close to someone _ , Lexa thought.

“Y-yeah.” Clarke stumbled over her words. Lexa hummed, gaining the confidence to bring her other hand up to Clarke’s breast. She focused on Clarke’s neck, kissing the remaining water droplets away, then caught Clarke’s nipple between her middle finger and forefinger. Clarke’s breath hitched when Lexa cautiously maneuvered her hand below her underwear. “You’ve got cold hands.” Clarke mouthed, breathless.

Lexa released a mouthy moan when she felt the wetness gathered between Clarke’s legs. Her own core gave a little pulse when Clarke’s breath hitched again. “ _ Nami? _ ” (Yeah?) Lexa placed a kiss below Clarke’s ear before nipping on her earlobe. “ _ Ai oson chit em fiyon…” (I forgot what it felt…)  _ She pressed a kiss just below Clarke’s jaw. _ “…bilaik gon lin yu _ .” (…Like to feel you).

Clarke hummed, extending her neck back against Lexa’s shoulder. “It’s embarrassing how much that turns me on.” She tilted her head enough she could place a kiss to the corner of Lexa’s mouth, then slowly turned around to draw Lexa into a proper kiss. It was the kind of kiss Lexa had dreamt about. She kissed Clarke back as she ducked down to lift Clarke’s legs around her waist. A couple of seconds passed as she basked in the way Clarke’s mouth worked against her own, then eventually she pressed them up against the door and moaned when Clarke’s teeth tugged on her lower lip.

She didn’t have words to describe her arousal, not in  _ gonasleng _ anyway. With a little grunt she pressed herself between Clarke’s legs and gripped onto her hips; the encouraging whine that fell from Clarke’s mouth splurging her on. She parted to cup Clarke’s jaw and gently tilt her head back. It was just enough for her to kiss Clarke’s throat and savour the taste of sweat forming on her skin.

“Bed?” Clarke suggested, pulling Lexa’s face back up to her own. Lexa groaned when Clarke sucked her lower lip into her mouth and hurriedly moved them from the door to the bed. She sat down on the edge and lowered Clarke’s weight onto her lap, mindful of Clarke’s wandering hands.

It was a rush of arms and fingers as Clarke tried to untie Lexa’s pants. It seemed fruitless in their current position, so Clarke stood up and pulled Lexa up with her. “Off,” Lexa caught her hands, shaking her head.

“No.” She kissed the frown forming on Clarke’s forehead and resumed tugging Clarke’s slacks off. Clarke stepped out of them when instructed and to Lexa’s surprise, listened. “ _ Ai gaf in yu fos _ .” (I want you first) Lexa whispered, hooking her fingers into Clarke’s waistband. She lowered her underwear the same way she had her pants. She sat on the edge of the bed again before pulling Clarke into her lap. She kissed Clarke’s lips, then chin, then worked her way down to Clarke’s shoulder. “Your wound has healed almost completely.” She noted, pulling back to admire the tiny indentation.

“Which one?”

Lexa pressed her forehead against Clarke’s chest and hummed. “Panther?”

Clarke let out a little  _ oh.  _ Lexa pressed a kiss between her breasts, then worked her way up Clarke’s front. She kissed Clarke long and slow, hands running along the outer parts of her thighs. Clarke’s skin was soft and plump; almost as if Clarke hadn’t aged at all. It was frustrating in a sense.  _ How does someone remain so untouched? _

She parted for a brief moment, glancing between them as she slid her hand back between Clarke’s legs. She frowned, concentrating. “Is this okay?” She asked, looking back up at Clarke for permission.

“You don’t have to ask.” Clarke said, voice strained. “I just want you inside of me.”

Lexa ran two fingers through Clarke’s folds, watching Clarke’s expression. She bit down on her lower lip when Clarke’s mouth parted and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. A sharp throb went straight between her legs as she carefully eased her fingers into Clarke’s core. Clarke released a long, dirty moan, head tipped back as Lexa sunk all the way in.

“ _ Yu… flufi. _ ” (You’re… warm) Lexa exhaled. “ _ Dison laik nou laudfou? _ ” (This isn’t painful?)

“English, I can’t focus enough to understand what you’re saying.” Clarke cupped her face with both hands and drew her in for a long, deep kiss.

“You’re warm.” Lexa whispered, kissing Clarke’s jaw. “This isn’t hurting you is it?” Clarke hummed, tilting Lexa’s head towards her own.

“No.” She reassured, pressing a kiss to Lexa’s furrowed brow. “Two fingers is enough. Can we go slow?” 

Lexa could do slow.

She tucked her face into Clarke’s neck and adjusted her wrist. “You can take the lead.” She offered, using her other hand to hold Clarke’s hip. Clarke raised her hips experimentally, then lowered. Lexa pulled back to look between them, the hand on Clarke’s hip easing her forward and then back. She enjoyed listening to Clarke’s breathing as it fluctuated between quick and shallow. She looked up when Clarke’s heavy breathing turned into little moans, focusing entirely on Clarke’s face.

She adjusted her wrist again, this time rubbing tight circles above Clarke’s clit with her thumb. It didn’t take long for Clarke’s moans to turn into little whines and her body to twitch with pent up need. “ _ Yu na kom op _ .” Lexa reached up to cup the back of Clarke’s neck. “You can come.” She repeated so Clarke could understand. She drew her in for a hard kiss, then parted to press her forehead against Clarke’s.

“ _ Lexa! _ ” It came out in a high-pitched whine as Clarke’s body tensed up. “ _ Fuckfuckfuckfuck _ —” Clarke gripped onto her shoulders, her breathing halting as Clarke’s face scrunched up. Lexa doubled her efforts and watched in amazement as Clarke finally let go.

Her orgasm was beautiful.

***

Clarke panted, hiding her face against Lexa’s neck. It’d been so sudden; she hadn’t had an orgasm so long it was an achievement not floating out of her own body.

“How do you do that?” Clarke asked, pulling back with a small lopsided-smile. “I can never get my wrist in the right position. My thumb never reaches.”

Lexa looked at her curiously. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve never been able too—” She pulled the hand resting on her hip up and pressed their palms together. She let out a breathless laugh when she realised Lexa’s fingers were much much longer than hers. “That makes sense.” She rested her forehead against Lexa’s as she caught her breath.

“If I remember correctly, you are better with your mouth.” Lexa hummed. “I like watching. I cannot do that between your legs.”

Clarke laughed again. “You can… You’ve just got to be at the right angle.”

“Speaking from experience?” Lexa mused. “Can I move my hand? My wrist is cramping up.” Clarke nodded, lifting her body up a little.

“Can we lay down?”

Lexa wiggled back until they could both fit on the bed. Clarke draped her body over Lexa’s, one leg hitched over Lexa’s hip with her face pressed into Lexa’s breast. She didn’t say anything for some time, simply soaking up the post-orgasmic bliss.

When she gained her bearings back, she began drawing little patterns over Lexa’s stomach. Her fingers traced over the little bullet scar, then a little incised scar on her hip. “How’d you get this?”

“Anya.” Lexa said, glancing down. “We were play fighting. She accidently got me with the tip of her blade.”

“You used to play fight with blades?”

“Yes. Why? Did you not?”

Clarke snorted at the idea and propped herself up on her elbow. “No, you don’t give children blades. Otherwise you get stabbed.”

“It was a good lesson. I never mishandled a blade again.”

Clarke shook her head, smiling. “Can I return the favour?”

“You are not hungry?”

“Not for food.”

Lexa’s lips twitched as she looked up at Clarke. “Can you show me how to do that thing with your tongue?”

***

Clarke had always been curious about the so-called ‘honeymoon’ phase couples went through. She’d never really experienced it. Sure, she’d spent a night with Finn, but everything came crashing down when Raven came down to earth. 

She was slowly beginning to think what she had with Lexa right now was exactly that. The honeymoon phase.

“No. You have your feet in the wrong place.” Lexa scolded her, kneeling down to adjust her foot work.”I had to stay in that stance for an entire day when I was in training.” She said, standing back up. “Should I do the same to you?”

Clarke tried to stop herself from smiling. “No.”

“Can you take this seriously?”

“I am!”

Lexa glared at her and stepped back. “What do you do if I advance?”

She pivoted on her right foot and stepped back with her left. “This?”

Lexa’s glare softened. “And if I withdraw?”

Clarke pivoted on her right foot and stepped forward, extending her sparring stick so it was pointed at Lexa’s chest. “This?”

“Yes.” Lexa narrowed her eyes. “You have got the basics. What is our weapon?”

“An extension of our arms…?”

“ _ Sha. _ ” Lexa nodded, pleased. “I was not good at footwork first. Titus used to whip my feet whenever I got it wrong. I was the least promising of my brothers and sisters.” Lexa explained. “I was the runt of the litter.” She practised shifting her weight from leg to leg. “But I used it to my advantage during my conclave.” Clarke watched as Lexa turned on her side. “I was raised well. I honoured each kill. I like to believe they live through me.” 

“You’ve never mentioned the  _ Heda  _ that raised you?” Clarke questioned, leaning on her stick. “Is it a sensitive topic?”

“I don’t remember much, truthfully.” Lexa admitted. “I was 12 winters old when I was chosen by the commanders. I have moments of clarity, then the rest is.. blank.” Lexa explained. “My memories with Anya are the strongest. Sometimes the ones with Gustus like to present themselves, otherwise most of the clarity I had before my death is gone. I think… maybe it is… I don’t know the  _ gonasleng  _ translation?”

Clarke thought about a translation for a long minute. “ _ Bilaik greimada don ge treibloka au memories dei de fleim op… yu laudnes? _ ” (Your brain has blocked out the memories that caused... you pain?) She cringed, it wasn’t the best sentence in the world. 

Lexa looked at her with a tilted head. It took her a moment to digest the idea. “Yes. I think that is the problem.” Lexa shrugged her shoulders. “I do not miss those memories. I like the ones we have created together a lot better.”

Clarke’s lips pulled into a small grin. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Lexa’s softened expression only lasted a moment. “Back into position. You will be sparing with Octavia today. She is much better than you.”

“Why not you?”

“Because I will be tempted to kiss you.” Lexa said as she tapped Clarke’s arm with her stick. “And you never take me seriously enough.” 

Clarke pouted out her lower lip in protest. “I do.” She tried to argue. 

Lexa came over and took Clarke’s chin between her thumb and forefinger. “ _ Yu ste kozplei op bilaik fyucha _ .” (You are acting like a baby) She hummed, leaning in to press a little kiss to Clarke’s mouth. 

Clarke sighed when Lexa parted and nudged her stomach with her elbow. “At least I’m a  _ swaya fyucha _ .” (Good looking baby) she teased. 

“You are a  _ godaun fyucha _ .” (Distracting baby) Lexa nudged her with her stick. “Practise your stance. I will go get Octavia.” 

  
  


***

  
  


Lexa looked at her reflection in the water, eye’s narrowing at the tiny little lines forming above her eyebrows. She didn’t ever think she’d get old enough to see wrinkles on her skin, or at least the beginnings of them. 

“You having a staring contest with yourself?” Niylah teased, handing Lexa a spear. 

“I am aged. It still baffles me that I am old enough to be considered an elder.” 

“Technically you’re still a couple years off.” Niylah mused, rolling up her pants. “Soon enough you will have grey in your hair.”

_ Grey hair.  _

Lexa panicked. “No. I do not want it. How do I prevent it from happening?”

Niylah looked at her strange. “It’s okay—“ 

“No. Once I am grey I will be close to death.”

Niylah seemed to click, her head shaking. “You do realise people can be grey for decades before they die?”

“Who’s going grey?” Octavia butted in, throwing her jacket to the shoreline. 

“No one.” Lexa replied quickly. 

Octavia paused once she was in knee-deep water and looked over her shoulder. “You need to stop panicking over things you can’t change. What would your teachers say if they heard you?”

“They would call me a  _ branwoda _ .” Lexa nervously gripped her spear. “I don’t wish to leave Clarke alone.”

Octavia frowned at her. “It’s part of her punishment. You’ll have many bright, young years before you die of old age. What happens if Clarke dies first?”

Lexa’s chest tightened unexpectedly. “I don’t want to think about it.”

“Death is not the end.” Octavia reminded her. “You’ll both be reborn, right? You’ll find each other again in another universe.” 

Lexa opened her mouth to reply, then closed it. Octavia was right. 

  
  


***

Clarke focused intently on the rope she was braiding. It helped keep her hands busy. She still got the shakes occasionally, especially after restless nights. 

“I have a proposal.” Lexa announced as she came to sit in front of her. Clarke stopped what she was doing and frowned.

“What?”

She looked at Lexa and noticed almost everyone was standing behind them. 

“I have a proposal.” Lexa repeated, reaching forward to take her hands. Clarke looked at her suspiciously and gave Lexa’s fingers a little squeeze. 

“Okay, what proposal are we talking about?”

Lexa’s lips pulled into a small smile. “What was the first thing I said to you when we met?”

Clarke thought about it for a couple of seconds. “You’re…” She pursed her lips. “You’re the one that burnt 300 of my warriors alive?”

Lexa beamed at her. “Repeat the first 3 words.”

“You’re the one?” 

Lexa gripped onto her hands, waiting for her to click. When Clarke did, she let out a laugh. “What’s that got to do with this proposal?”

“You’re the one, Clarke.” She said, letting out a long breath. 

“Yeah?” Clarke replied cautiously. 

“I would like…” Lexa’s cheeks started to go red. Clarke smiled, finding it enduring. “...to propose marriage.” Lexa finally got out. 

Clarke looked at her for a long while, blinking in surprise. “Marriage…?” She repeated, unsure whether she heard right. 

“I would like to wed you.” Lexa said with more confidence. “I do not wish to grow old with anyone else.” Lexa let one of her hands go and reached into her back pocket. “As  _ Heda  _ it is forbidden to wed.” She continued, pulling out a tiny bone carved ring. “But I no longer owe anything else to my people.” Lexa elaborated. 

Clarke’s mouth was dry. She was speechless. 

“I would like to offer you our someday.” She carefully took Clarke’s left hand. “Raven told me your people used to wed with ceremonial rings. I think I have the right hand…” She carefully slid the ring onto Clarke’s index finger. “It is tradition to crave ceremonial wedding bands that go around our wrists. I thought i would honour your customs, so it feels more personal.” 

Clarke stared down at the ring on her finger and then looked back up at Lexa, unable to formulate words. 

_ How do you reply to something like this? How did people do it back on the Ark?  _ Clarke thought, blinking a couple more times. “Lexa…” She breathed, eyes starting to gloss over with us she’d tears. “I don’t even know what to say.” 

“ _ Sha na ge a bos stoda _ .” (Yes would be a good start) Lexa said with a tiny smile. 

“Yes.” Clarke managed to get out. “Obviously yes, why would I say no?” She let out a wet laugh as she launched herself forward. Clarke wrapped both arms around Lexa’s neck and let out a singular sob of joy. “ _ Branwoda _ .”

  
  
  



	3. Progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an update just in time for christmas! This will be my last update for awhile as I work on the last chapter, but it's coming! Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement writing this. 
> 
> I'm going to be posting some korrasami stuff from The Legend of Korra that I've been working on in between writing this fic, so hopefully some of you guys would be interested in that :)
> 
> Have a great christmas and new year clexa gang!

Lexa gazed at a very tired Clarke as she came to bed. She’d spent at least 10 minutes just trying to get out of her day clothes and into her nightgown. Lexa felt incredibly at ease. 

  
  


“Did you have a good day?” Lexa asked, lifting her arm as Clarke curled into her side. Once Clarke had draped an arm around her stomach and gotten comfortable, Lexa pulled the furs up around their lower halves. 

  
  


“Yes. I went to Madi’s grave. I spent a while telling her about our engagement.” 

  
  


Lexa’s lips pulled into a smile. It had been the singular most important thing she had ever asked of Clarke, and the scariest one too. Planning for battle was easy, it didn’t require much emotional strength, but being with someone? Asking them to wed you? 

  
  


_ It was well worth the struggle,  _ she mused.  _ Even if it had been terrifying.  _

  
  


“Did you have a good day?” Clarke asked when Lexa didn’t reply. 

  
  


“I did not do much.” Lexa admitted. “I helped Jordan strip some bark from some logs and move them from one place to another. It was not interesting.” Lexa pressed a kiss to the top of Clarke’s head and brought her hand up to tuck Clarke’s hair behind her ear. “I am not doing anything tomorrow. I was hoping we could do something when you got back from tending to the farms?”

  
  


Clarke hummed. “We can do something.” She let out a tiny yawn and nuzzled her face into the crook of Lexa’s neck. “ _ Reshop, niron _ .”

  
  


Lexa smiled, giving Clarke’s shoulder a squeeze. 

  
  


***

  
  


Lexa nervously toyed with her jerkin, buttoning and unbuttoning it as she waited for Clarke. She didn’t know why she was nervous, maybe it was because they didn’t have a lot of alone time during the growing months?

  
  


“You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.” Clarke said as she approached. “Can I go change before we head out?”

  
  


“That won’t be necessary.” Lexa said, looking up. “I have a surprise.”

  
  


“You’re full of surprises lately.” Clarke said, brushing the dirt off of her hands. “Where are we going?”

  
  


“You will find out.” 

  
  


She let Clarke fill her water skin before they began walking towards the small clearing Lexa had planned out. Clarke spent at least 20 minutes trying to guess what activity Lexa had planned, but Lexa refused to budge. 

  
  


When they got within walking distance of the destination point, Lexa came up behind Clarke and covered her eyes. “No peeking.” She warned, leading them both into a clearing. 

  
  


“You’re going to murder me, right? This is how it all ends?”

  
  


“Clearly.” Lexa smirked, positioning Clarke. “You can open.” She removed her hands and stepped back. 

  
  


Clarke blinked her eyes a couple times as her eyes adjusted to the light, then narrowed as they focused on what was in front of her. Lexa watched anxiously. 

  
  


_ What if she doesn’t like them?  _

  
  


“Oh my god—“ Clarke gasped. “Horses!” 

  
  


“It is tradition.” Lexa said, fumbling with her fingers. “When someone wishes to wed their beloved they will either go on a hunt and bring back the largest animal they can find, or they’ll tame a wild horse and gift it—“

  
  


“You tamed a wild horse?”

  
  


“I tamed a pack of wild horses.” Lexa corrected. “It was not hard. I have been working on it for some weeks. I was going to present them to you before I asked you to wed me but Raven advised I go with the ring.” 

  
  


“You tamed an entire herd of wild horses?” Clarke asked again, turning to look back at Lexa. 

  
  


Lexa frowned. “You do not like them?”

  
  


“No, no— Lexa, there’s at least 7 horses here, how did you tame an entire herd of horses? And for me?” 

  
  


“I wanted to impress you. It proves I am a good partner.” Lexa tried to explain. “I also let my ego cloud my judgement. For most warriors it proves they are a fit to raise a family, I just wanted to show off.“

  
  


“Fuck your ego,” Clarke said with a laugh, face still full with shock. “This is insane. Do you realise how hard it is to tame anything?”

  
  


“It is not that hard if you know what you are doing.” Lexa said with a little smile. “This one is for you.” She walked over to the white mare and ran her hand over it’s neck. “Do you remember how to ride?”

  
  


Clarke looked at Lexa and shook her head. “I haven’t rode a horse in years.” She admitted. Lexa smiled, gesturing for Clarke to come closer. When she did, Lexa took her hand and put it on the mares neck. 

  
  


“I have not broken them in. We won’t be able to ride for some months, but they may help with harvesting this year's crops. Gustus always told me to work smarter, not harder—“ She was cut off with a swift kiss, one she hadn’t been expecting. 

  
  


“Just so you know,” Clarke said as she pulled back. “The fact you went to all this effort…” Lexa didn’t know where Clarke was going with this. Her eyes remained fixated on Clarke’s lips. “It more than proves you’re an adequate partner. I don’t have anything nearly as impressive as this—“

  
  


“It is not tradition for the person who has been asked to wed to do anything.” Lexa said, swallowing hard. “For you do not need to prove anything. You are the one choosing the person to start a family with, usually. So you may have had many suitors—“

  
  


“Lexa,” Clarke started, placing her hands on Lexa’s shoulders. Lexa frowned, nervous. “There are a handful of us left on earth. A handful. Who are you competing with?”

  
  


Lexa opened her mouth to reply, then closed it. A sheepish smile pulled at her lips. “Niylah? Raven? Octavia…?” 

  
  


Clarke laughed, tugging Lexa into another kiss. This one was a lot harder. It had purpose behind it. 

  
  


“You’re so stupid.” Clarke mumbled, pulling back enough to press their foreheads together. Lexa smiled from ear to ear, gently brushing the tip of her nose against the tip of Clarke’s. “How’d you find these?”

  
  


“I saw them roaming around a month or so ago.” Lexa said, tilting her head just enough she could kiss the top of Clarke’s upper lip. “I had been visiting them often in preparation for my proposal.” 

  
  


“Really? I never saw you sneak off.”

  
  


“You also never saw me building the treehouse. You are also very heavy footed—“

  
  


“Hey! I’m much better than I was when I first came to earth.”

  
  


“This is true.” Lexa pressed a kiss to Clarke’s cheek, then her jaw, then one just below her ear. “I woke up an hour before training everyday to come and see them.” She pulled back and looked at the horses roaming around. “The white one was my first option. White meres signify love and purity. Black stallions signify burning passion and intensity. Warriors will often choose stallions as their gift. I wanted you to know I valued you as a person over the lust I felt for you in moments of vulnerability.”

  
  


“Lexa,” Clarke laughed. “You got me a whole herd of horses!”

  
  


“I had to prove my masculinity.” Lexa grinned. “Did it work?”

  
  


***

  
  


Clarke glanced down at the ring on her finger and smiled. It didn’t feel real. She’d admired people married on the ark but she’d never imagined herself actually engaged to someone she loved. She didn’t even think she’d find love this intense; every moment of everyday she felt the heat of Lexa’s love burning a hole in her chest. 

  
  


Lexa was gentle and caring, but also incredibly smart and robust. If she didn’t know how to do something, she’d listen and watch to learn. If Lexa knew how to do something and Clarke didn’t, she’d try her best to communicate her understanding of the subject. She didn’t think love like this was possible. At times Clarke didn’t even think she deserved it. 

  
  


The ring was carved from a dear bone according to Raven. Lexa had spent many hours making sure it was perfect. The designs on it were similar to the tattoo Lexa had on her bicep. 

  
  


“Thinking about commander heart eyes?” Murphy announced as he came to sit beside her. She looked at him with a little smile and shook her head. 

  
  


“Guess so. Do you know much about grounder markings?” She carefully pulled her engagement ring off of her finger and held it out. “They look similar to the ones on Lexa’s arm tattoo. Has Emori explained her tattoos to you before?”

  
  


Murphy took the ring and lifted it up to inspect it. “Emori was an outcast.” Murphy stated. “You’d have to ask Lexa yourself. Maybe Indra? Or Niylah? They were both  _ trikru  _ right?” 

  
  


“I don’t want to disrespect Lexa by not knowing what they mean.” She said with a small frown. “I’ll ask Indra.” Murphy handed her back her ring and she carefully slid it back on her finger. “Thank you!” Murphy lifted his hand and soluted her as she rushed off. 

  
  


Clarke found Indra fishing by the main river leading into the lake. “Hey, can I ask you a question?” She pulled her ring off again and held it out. “Do you know what these markings mean? I’m not well versed in  _ trikru  _ customs. Do they mean something?”

  
  


Indra walked out of the water and took the ring to inspect it. “Oh,” She tilted her head. “These are tribal markings.” She explained. “You’d have to ask my daughter about their meaning. These are not traditional  _ trikru  _ markings. The commander has different tribal markings to those of her subjects.”

  
  


“Like that one on her arm?”

  
  


“Yes. Gaia will be more knowledgeable in that area.” 

  
  


Clarke bowed her head in thanks before going off to find Gaia. 

  
  


_ This is stupid. You could literally just ask Lexa _ , she thought.  _ She’d probably be more than understanding.  _

  
  


Clarke’s pride refused to let her submit just yet. She found Gaia by the main encampment gutting fish. “Question,” She started, holding out her ring. Gaia looked at her curiously before quickly washing her hands in the bucket beside her. “What do these markings mean? Indra said they’re not traditional  _ trikru  _ markings. Because Lexa was commander hers are different?”

Gaia dried her hands on her pants before taking Clarke’s ring. “Ah,” Gaia smiled, rotating the ring. “This,” She pointed to a little section of the ring. “Is the beginning of the 3 pillars of being commander.” She moved over to show Clarke. “Wisdom,” She pointed. “Compassion, and here… This is strength. There is also... “ She narrowed her eyes. “This one I am not familiar with.” She frowned. “You would have to ask Lexa.” 

  
  


Clarke let out a small sigh. “I should have gone to her first.” She accepted the ring when it was put back in her hand and smiled. “Thank you anyway. Do you know what duty she’s on today?”

  
  


“She’s by the meadow. She mentioned building an area for some horses?” 

  
  


Clarke laughed. “Do you know why?”

  
  


“No. I’m assuming you do?”

  
  


“She said it’s tradition for warriors to hunt something big or tame a wild horse to prove their worthiness as a partner. Instead of taming a singular horse, she tamed an entire herd.” 

  
  


Gaia let out a sudden laugh, then brought her hand up to cover her mouth. “Sorry—” She shook her head, amused. “She doesn’t have any competition. Traditionally, yes, that is how men and women proved their strength and passion, but she does not have anything to prove; The hunt proves their fertility, that they will bred strong children, but for the horses... the colour dictates the qualities they admire most in their  _ snogon _ . People only do this when they believe they are being challenged for love.” Gaia shook her head. “Lexa has outdone herself. Did she present to you a mare or a stallion?”

  
  


Clarke nodded. “She presented me with a white mare. She said it signified purity and love?” 

  
  


Gaia beamed. “It also signifies the extent of her love. White mares are notorious for being hard to tame. Most warriors will tame the stallion to prove their strength.” Gaia explained. “I have heard stories of a man so encapsulated by love he tamed an entire herd of horses for the woman he could not have. Would you like to know the meaning behind it?” 

  
  


Clarke frowned. “The fact she tamed an entire herd doesn’t just make her an overachiever?” 

  
  


“No, Clarke.” Gaia sent Clarke a little grin. “Lexa was never meant to marry. Lexa shouldn’t even be alive. Her duty was to her people. She could never truly be with you.” Clarke didn’t know where this was going. “She tamed an entire herd of horses to spite the people that told her she couldn’t have you. It’s like... “ Gaia’s face morphed into one of frustration. “Fealty! It’s like swearing fealty!”

  
  


_ Fealty. Lexa swore fealty to me all those years ago.  _

  
  


“Thank you!” Clarke said, leaving to go find Lexa. 

  
  


She found her weaving long pieces of wood into fences. The meadow had taken a turn, most of the fence posts already standing strong. She approached Lexa from behind and bent down to wrap her arms around her neck. “I have a question,” She started, moving to sit next to Lexa. “I know that these,” She removed her ring and began to point out the markings. “Mean wisdom, compassion, and strength. But… this? What does this mean?”

  
  
  


Lexa stopped weaving to turn her full attention to Clarke. “Tribal markings are different for the commander, right?” 

  
  


“ _ Sha _ ,” Lexa nodded, reaching over to tilt the ring towards herself. “ _ Swega klin nou gon lolen? _ ” (Promise not to laugh?) 

  
  


“I won’t.” Clarke reassured.

  
  


“Love,” Lexa pointed to the mark. “Is not,” She pointed to the next one. “Weakness.” She rotated the ring. “ _ Bilaik Heda ste bilaik noun, fiyanes, en uf. Hod in ste yuj _ .” (To be commander is to be wise, compassionate, and strong. Love is strength) She translated. Clarke looked at Lexa with soft eyes. 

“Say that last bit again?” 

  
  


“ _ Hod in ste yuj? _ ” Lexa repeated, lips pulling into a shy smile. “Love is not weakness. Love is strength. I wanted you to wear something that represented the strength you give me, even if I am not  _ Heda  _ anymore. Those values are what I wish to bring into our marriage.” Lexa explained further. “I should have probably told you when I proposed us to wed…” Lexa trailed off with a little frown, carefully sliding the ring back onto Clarke’s finger. 

  
  


Clarke shook her head, closing both her hands around Lexa’s one. “What does your bicep tattoo mean?”

  
  


Lexa glanced down at her arm and carefully rolled up her sleeve. “This one?” 

  
  


“Yeah. You never explained what it means?”

  
  


Lexa smiled, shrugging her shoulders. “Before I was commander I was a  _ trikru  _ warrior, or at least training to be. It is honouring Anya’s work as a teacher. I got it when I… uh,  _ odon _ ? (Finished) I do not know the  _ gonasleng  _ translation… When I  _ odon  _ as her second?” 

  
  


“When you graduated?” 

  
  


“ _ Sha!  _ That is it. Yes, when I graduated as her second. I was taken to Polis once I was a competent warrior. Without the skills she passed on to me I do not think I would have won my conclave.” Lexa smiled. “My kill count would not have been as high if I had tried inserting my dominance.” She took Clarke’s hand again and raised it to her lips, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s ring finger. “I have been told it is tradition for both of us to wear rings?”

  
  


Clarke didn’t know why she felt so emotional. Processing the fact Lexa had gone out of her way to carve something so meaningful into a ring was beyond beautiful. She swallowed hard and nodded. “Yes.”

  
  


“Would you like me to help you make one for me?” 

  
  


“You’d do that?”

  
  


“Why would I not?” Lexa sent her a little frown. “What values do you want to bring into our marriage?” 

  
  


“Uh… I… I guess… That’s a really good question.” She blew out a breath, staring at her own ring. “Honesty? Um… Courage…? And… Is there a limit?” Lexa sent her a smile, one that made her stomach do a little flip. 

  
  


“We don’t have as much room on a ring as we do a wedding band. What is one more?”

  
  


“Honesty, courage, and… passion?” 

  
  


Lexa’s eyes lit up. “I like those. What is something I make you feel?” 

  
  


“That you make me feel equal.” She said without skipping a beat. 

  
  


Lexa’s face softened. “ _ Gon hod in ste bilaik... dobon. Dulasei, jova, en thing. Thir bakon kom oso hod in _ .” (To love is to be... equal. Honesty, courage, and passion. The 3 pillars of our love).

  
  


Clarke felt heat flush throughout her entire body. “You can put that on a ring?” 

  
  


“ _ Sha, niron. Ai na. _ ” (yes, lover. I can). 

  
  


Clarke’s eyes lowered to Lexa’s lips. “How do you do that?” 

  
  


Lexa’s face morphed into one of confusion. “What do you mean?”

  
  


“How do you make me swoon without even trying?” 

  
  


***

  
  


Lexa was enjoying her time with Clarke. They’d chosen a particular wood for her ring and they’d been talking about how people typically married on the earth verse how people married in the sky. It was a little confusing, but Lexa was following along. 

  
  


“Why would you wear a night gown at a wedding?” Lexa asked, carefully hollowing the piece of wood out. 

  
  


“I don’t know. I guess it shows you’re vulnerable for the person you’re marrying? Or that you’re a virgin? White means pure. I barely remember bible class but they mentioned it once, I think.”

  
  


“Why would you want to tell everyone you’re a virgin?” She looked up with a frown. “Why would that be a problem? Or a good thing?” 

  
  


Clarke’s answering laugh made her feel a little embarrassed. “I don’t know. I guess it relates back to the old kings and queens. You wanted to marry a virgin so you knew that your children would be born of your own seed? I suppose?”

  
  


“But why would you want to tell everyone you’re a virgin at a wedding? Would it not be implied that the princess would be a virgin regardless?”

  
  


“People didn’t marry for love, Lexa. They married close relatives, like cousins or second cousins to keep the blood-line pure.” 

  
  


Lexa’s face wrinkled up. “That breds deformities.” She scoffed. “Why would you want blood to be pure anyway? Who is going to benefit?”

  
  


“I’m not saying I agree with it!” Clarke laughed again. “I don’t know. It’s just what people did in the old world.” Clarke spread out on the ground beside the fire. 

  
  


“Good thing you’re not a virgin then. White would easily stain.” Lexa said, pursing her lips. “Why did people have to sign treaties?”

  
  


“Marriage papers? Because it made them legitimate. We had resource issues on the Ark so we couldn’t have big weddings like you do. It was more about signing papers so they could start a family. Only couples that married for a set amount of years got the opportunity to apply for children.”

  
  


“Apply for children? You had to ask someone else to have your own offspring?” Lexa stopped carving and looked up at Clarke. “Do you know how awful that sounds?” 

  
  


“Yes. My parents had high political rankings so got permitted purely because they had status. Had they been born into farm station I probably wouldn’t be here.” 

  
  


That made Lexa stare at Clarke for a long minute. “I am glad you were born but I do not appreciate your customs. They are terrible.” 

  
  


“Good thing I’m practically a grounder, huh?” 

  
  


“You will be  _ trikru  _ when we marry. You will be a ‘grounder’, or at least married to one if you wished to stay  _ skaikru _ .” 

  
  


“It’s impressive you think I’d stay  _ skaikru  _ given they literally hated me for most of my existence.”

  
  


“I did not want to assume.” Lexa carefully moved to sit on the ground next to Clarke. She tapped her thigh and smiled when Clarke adjusted her position to rest her head in Lexa’s lap. “How does this look?”

  
  


Clarke took the ring from Lexa’s hands and inspected it. “Does it fit on your finger yet?”

  
  


“No, I will adjust it more tomorrow. I will draw the patterns in charcoal and let you carve them in yourself. How does that sound?”

  
  


“What if I screw up?”

  
  


“We can practise beforehand if you would like?” 

  
  


“Please?”

  
  


“I will get my carving tools out in the morning.”

  
  


“How’s training going?”

  
  


“ _ Ai hosh daun gaia ona em baka yeson. _ ” (I put Gaia on her ass yesterday). 

  
  


Clarke laughed. Lexa thought it was a magical sound. 

  
  


***

  
  


Clarke hated cooking duty. She was good with a knife, but not when it meant skinning rabbits. Thankfully Octavia was gutting them for her. She passed the last rabbit over and instantly went to scrub her hands raw. 

  
  


“You wanna knock off for the day?” Octavia offered.

  
  


“Yeah, I might go and see if Lexa’s breaking in the horses. Do you want me to bring anything back?”

  
  


“Don’t worry about it. Just make sure you’re here tomorrow at dawn, it’s Bell’s birthday, I’m lighting some lanterns for him.” 

  
  


Clarke sent Octavia a soft nod. “Of course.” She gave Octavia’s arm a playful nudge then headed off. 

  
  


Lexa was exactly where Clarke thought she would be. Clarke leaned on the fence and watched as Lexa rode a brown stallion around in circles. She was wearing a sleeveless tunic, the one Clarke had recently tailored for the coming summer. 

  
  


Lexa pulled on the reins a little too hard and ending up being slung off. As she landed on the ground, she let out a simple “ _ Jok! _ ” before jumping to her feet. “ _ Branwoda! Kom op hir! _ ” (Idiot! Come here!) She called as the stallion marched around the paddock with a playful huff. “ _ Laik yu saden disha? _ ” (Are you enjoying yourself?) Lexa called out, hands on her hips. 

  
  


Clarke watched in amusement. Lexa waved him off as she went over to the stable. Clarke shook her head and moved into the paddock. “I know, it’s a rough life isn’t it?” She said as she approached the horse, giving his neck a soft rub. She took his reins and led him over to the stables, then smirked when Lexa turned around. 

  
  


“ _ Natrona _ .” (Traitor) Lexa huffed. “He is free to go into the other paddock.” 

  
  


Clarke nodded, leading him into the paddock with the other horses. When she returned, Lexa’s back was facing her. She frowned when she noticed a little bruise forming on her shoulder and curled her arms around Lexa’s middle, pressing her cheek between Lexa’s shoulder blades. “You’re pretty good at this horse thing. Did you ever imagine life as a stable-girl or something similar?” 

  
  


“No. I would much rather be a metalsmith or hunter.” Lexa said, leaning back into Clarke’ embrace. “How was your day?” 

  
  


“It was good.” Clarke hummed, pulling her head back to kiss the bruise on Lexa’s shoulder. “What happened here?” 

  
  


“I keep getting kicked off and landing on my back.” Lexa replied, turning around to send Clarke a small frown. “It’s not pleasant. They are slowly getting better to control, though. So maybe I am doing something right.” 

  
  


Clarke noticed Lexa wasn’t wearing her ring and tilted her head. “Did you lose your ring in the mug?” 

  
  


“Oh!” Lexa felt around her pants, then carefully pulled her ring out of her pocket. “I did not want it to get ruined.” She put it onto her finger and smiled. “I would not be happy if it got lost in the mud. Do you see why we wear wrist bands? They are a lot easier to find if they come off.” 

  
  


“Yeah. They seem a lot more practical. What else do you have planned for the day?” 

  
  


“I was going to come get you. I have broken your horse in.” 

  
  


Clarke’s stomach did a little nervous flip. “Really?”

  
  


“Yes. Would you like me to give you a lesson?” 

  
  


Clarke nodded. Lexa disappeared into the next paddock and fetched Clarke’s engagement horse, returning a couple minutes later. She fixed a saddle onto it’s back, adjusted the reins, then gestured for Clarke to come over. “Do you remember how to get on?”

  
  


“Foot in the stirrup?”

  
  


Lexa nodded. “You will get on first, then I will get on behind you.” She explained, stepping back. Clarke groaned in protest. She glared at the stirrup for a moment or so, then launched herself up and onto the saddle. She almost overdid it; had Lexa not gotten on directly afterwards she probably would have fallen down to her doom. “Good.” Lexa praised, curling an arm around her waist. 

  
  


Clarke crinkled up her nose when she was given the reins and straightened her back. “What next?”

  
  


“Click your tongue once.” 

  
  


Clarke nervously gripped the reins before clicking her tongue, then pressed back against Lexa when the horse started to move forward. It was a gentle walk, but still disorentating. “I forgot how intimidating this is.”

  
  


“It is only intimidating the first couple times. It will become second nature again soon.” Lexa reassured, giving her hip a squeeze. “Pull to the right.”

  
  


Clarke did as she was told and slowly fell into the swing of things. It was nice spending so much time in close proximity with Lexa. They hadn’t had the chance to really indulge in each other's company; they either passed out at bed time or woke up to go straight to work. 

  
  


They’d done some planning and agreed for a fall wedding so they had some months to prepare for the ceremony, but they hadn’t had one-on-one time in what felt like weeks. 

  
  


“There we go,” Lexa beamed. “You’ve got it.” 

  
  


Clarke smiled, carefully tugging on the reins to bring them to a stop. “I think I’m done. Can you help me off?” Lexa nodded, giving her hip one last squeeze before dismounting. Clarke waited for Lexa’s instruction before attempting to get down too, only she overstepped and practically belined for the ground. Lexa caught her before her face made contact with the dirt, her amused laugh filling Clarke’s ears.

  
  


“You remind me of myself. I have done that many times in my training.” She explained, straightening Clarke up. “Are you okay?” 

  
  


“Yes, just a little shaken.” Clarke admitted, huffing. “That’s not funny. I genuinely thought I was a goner.”

  
  


“It is only mud.” Lexa led her over to the stables and handed her the water skin. Clarke took a couple gulps of water then handed it back. 

  
  


“Do you want to go on a date this afternoon?” Clarke asked suddenly. 

  
  


“Are you attempting to romance me?” Lexa questioned after she’d swallowed her mouthful, eyebrows perked. 

  
  


Clarke laughed, giving her a little shove backwards. Lexa’s knees knocked against the workbench, causing her to grunt. “I’m trying to take you on a date. We haven’t had alone time in ages.” She admitted.

  
  


“This is true.” Lexa cleared her throat. “I apologise. There is much to do. What did you have in mind?” 

  
  


Clarke pursed her lips in thought. “We could watch the clouds?” She offered, crinkling up her nose. 

  
  


Lexa looked at her for a long minute. “I would like that.” She nodded, scratching the back of her neck. “I’ll go put the horses away.” 

  
  


Clarke sat down on the workbench and waited as Lexa finished off for the day. She took awhile, the sun was low in the sky when she returned, but Clarke didn’t mind. It gave her time to reflect on the things she’d gone this week. 

  
  


“I have a question,” Lexa announced as she came into the stables. “This judge you’ve explained to me,” She started, coming over to where Clarke was sitting. She wasn’t shy about the way she nuzzled her body between Clarke’s legs and leaned in to press a kiss to her lips. “I’ve noticed no one having children. Was that a condition? That no one can have families?”

  
  


Clarke curled her arms around Lexa’s neck and frowned. “It’s part of my punishment. We can’t repopulate the earth. It’s the best form of contraception. I imagine the gene pool would be pretty small anyway, so it’d just end up causing problems down the line.” 

  
  


“Oh,” Lexa frowned. “I suppose so. That seems… harsh.”

  
  


“Is this you telling me you want kids?” Clarke tried to joke. 

  
  


“ _ Keryon (Spirits) _ , no. I would not enjoy being with child.” Lexa’s face twisted up. “I just think it is harsh. Not for us, for everyone else.” 

  
  


Clarke hummed, pulling Lexa in for another kiss. “That’s awfully thoughtful of you.” 

  
  


Lexa hummed against her mouth, both of her hands moving to Clarke’s waist. “It was just an observation.” She mumbled as she dragged her lips down to Clarke’s jaw. 

  
  


Clarke sucked in a sharp breath when Lexa’s teeth grazed her earlobe and cupped Lexa’s face with her hands, pulling her back. “You’re not being honest. Why does that bother you?”

  
  


Lexa huffed, closing her eyes momentarily. “What if you wanted a family and I couldn’t give it to you?” 

  
  


Clarke blinked, unsure of how to answer. She’d never thought past Madi. “Lexa… Do you want a family?” 

  
  


Lexa looked at her for a long while, expression blank. “No. I don’t. I just feel guilty for not being able to give you something when I am gone.” She answered. 

  
  


Clarke stared at her for some time.  _ How do you even process something like that?  _

  
  


“Lexa… I don’t want children. Even if we could have a family, I wouldn’t want another child. The judge told me she’d never see me again. She brought you back, that was my reward.” She stroked Lexa’s jaw with her thumbs. “I know it’s harsh and extremely unfair, but this is my punishment. It was never meant to be fair. Do you understand that?” 

  
  


Lexa sighed, slowly nodding her head. “Yes.” A smile slowly tugged at the corner of her mouth. “Can I make love to you now?” 

  
  


Clarke let out a small snort. “How romantic of you.” 

  
  


“I have felt the tension between us for weeks. I just did not know how to bring this subject up. I would like to move past it now.” She said with a small frown. “You are happy, yes?” 

  
  


“ _ Sha, Heda _ .” Clarke teased, dragging Lexa in for a long kiss. “ _ Laik oso keri hos of gon yu don ses op raun a stable ina? _ ” (Are we really going to have sex in a stable though?)

  
  


Lexa smirked, reaching between them to begin untying the belt keeping Clarke’s pants up. “ _ Chomouda? Fir in kom bak op a strik grous? _ ” (Why? Scared of getting a little dirty?)

  
  


Clarke let out a laugh but quickly choked on it when Lexa’s hand slid under her pants and between her legs. They’d only slept together a handful of times since Lexa’s return, so it always felt new and exciting. “What was the  _ gonasleng _ word you used?” Lexa exhaled, widening Clarke’s legs with her other hand. 

  
  


“What word?” Clarke whined, reaching forward to loosen Lexa’s tunic. 

  
  


“For rough sex?” Lexa withdrew momentarily to tug her tunic up and over her head. 

  
  


Clarke pushed her back to hurriedly pull her own shirt off, then tugged her back in for a long, hard kiss. “Fucking?”   
  


“Yes, that.” Lexa mumbled against her mouth, parting her lips. Clarke let out a tiny moan when Lexa’s tongue brushed over her own and tugged Lexa’s body back between her legs. She reached behind her with one arm to steady herself on the workbench, then reached between them to untie Lexa’s pant loop. “I would like to do that.” Lexa eventually added, parting momentarily to catch her breath. 

  
  


Clarke let out a breathless laugh, sitting up to use both her hands. “What happened to making love?” Clarke asked as she pulled the knot loose. 

  
  


“I was being modest.” Lexa said, pulling Clarke in for another kiss. 

  
  


Clarke smiled against her lips, cradling Lexa between her legs. When Lexa’s tiny grunts turned into pants of frustration, Clarke slipped her hand between them and swallowed the whimper that came out of Lexa’s mouth when she started to experimentally rub little circles above Lexa’s clit. 

  
  


“ _ Mou _ .” (More) Lexa managed to get out, her hands gripping onto Clarke’s hips. “ _ Ai gaf in mou. _ ” (I want more). 

  
  


“You turn into the whinest person when you’re all pent up.” Clarke teased, letting her lips hover. 

  
  


“Ugh,” Lexa grunted, curling her hands under Clarke’s thighs. “ _ Yu trip raun _ .” (You’re frustrating)

  
  


“Should you really be insulting the person giving you pleasure?” Clarke slid her hand down further. “Two or one?” 

  
  


“ _ Tu _ .” (Two)

  
  


Clarke moved her mouth to Lexa’s neck as she sunk two fingers into Lexa’s core and eagerly started to pump them in and out. Lexa wasn’t typically the needy type, or the kind of person to shout extremities when she was close to orgasm, but the faint moans slipping from her mouth felt a lot more expressive than the usual pant or whimper. 

  
  


_ Does she even like dirty talk? _ Clarke thought, sucking on the spot just below Lexa’s ear. She decided against it; she’d bring it up in passing another day. For now, she focused entirely on making Lexa come. 

  
  


“ _ Jok _ ,” Lexa hissed into her ear, one of her hands reaching between them to adjust Clarke’s hand. “Rub your palm against me,” She instructed, panting into Clarke’s ear. It was making Clarke’s own core throb with pent up need. “ _ Sha, jos nami dei de _ .” (Yes, just like that) 

  
  


Lexa’s body tensed up a moment later. Clarke pulled back to plant a hard kiss to Lexa’s lips, then swallowed the long whimper that left her mouth as she came. Lexa’s hand held onto her wrist a couple moments later, preventing her from moving anymore. Lexa’s chested heaved, long little exhales leaving through her nose as she calmed down. 

  
  


“You okay?” Clarke asked, kissing the corner of her mouth. “You look like you’ve drifted out of your own body.”

  
  


“I am good.” Lexa stated, lips pulling into a sleepish grin. When Lexa caught her breath, she carefully guided Clarke’s hand out of her pants and brought her fingers up to Clarke’s mouth. It was a silent offer. 

  
  


Clarke felt the heat pooling between her legs. Lexa’s gaze was intense; it was like she hadn’t just had an orgasm and she was ready for round two. Clarke’s mouth went dry. With a little nod she let Lexa guide her own fingers into her mouth and sucked slow, eyes closing. Clarke could hear Lexa’s breathing increase. She withdrew her fingers to kiss Lexa’s hand, then her arm, then her mouth. 

  
  


Lexa moaned when she tasted herself on Clarke’s tongue. “Lay on your back.” She instructed, pecking Clarke’s chin. “I want to taste you.” 

  
  
  


***

  
  


“What’s that?” Raven asked in passing, pointing towards Lexa’s neck. 

  
  


“What?” She looked down at her tunic. “Is this another one of your jokes? Because I’m not falling for it again—“

  
  


“No, your neck! What’s that on your neck?” 

  
  


Lexa’s eyebrows creased. She moved to look at her appearance in a bucket of water and felt her face heat up when she realised what Raven was talking about. “It is nothing.” She waved it off. 

  
  


“Is that what I think it is?” 

  
  


“No.”

  
  


“It so is!”

  
  


“No it is not.”

  
  


“It’s a hickey.” 

  
  


“It is a mark of passion.” Lexa corrected. “Is that what you call them? Hick...ee?”

  
  


Raven burst out laughing. “Hickey, like… sneaky?”

  
  


“Hickey…?”

  
  


“Yes, that. You and Clarke been—“

  
  


“I am not talking about my personal relations.”

  
  


“But…”

  
  


“No.”

  
  


“But… How’d it get there?”

  
  


Lexa glared at Raven. “How do you think?”

  
  


“I dunno, like… You two been hanging out?”

  
  


“We have sex, Raven. Do you not know what that is?”

  
  


Raven opened her mouth to speak, then closed it. 

  
  


“Who had sex?” Clarke asked from behind her. 

  
  


Lexa startled, twisting around. “Oh! No one. Raven was telling me about the lack of sex in her life.”

  
  


“And… You’re willingly listening to her talk about sex?”

  
  


The tips of Lexa’s ears won’t red. “You left a mark of passion on my neck and I was being interrogated.” Lexa deflated. 

  
  


Clarke looked at her for a long minute, then looked past her at Raven. “Where else is she going to get a hickey?” She folded her arms over her chest. 

  
  


Raven looked taken back. Lexa wanted to laugh. “Well… this took an interesting turn.” Raven narrowed her eyes. “I didn’t think of you as an alpha type.”

  
  


“A what?”

  
  


“Alpha type. Marking your territory?”

  
  


“Raven… we are literally getting married, why would I have to mark anything?”

  
  


Raven looked gobsmacked. “Alright, you win this one. I’m going to go back to my woman cave and pretend this never happened.” She turned and wobbled off. 

  
  


Lexa released a small laugh, turning to face Clarke fully. “I apologise. She gets on my nerves, you know?”

  
  


“Yeah, I do. Sorry about that by the way.” Clarke came to stand in front of Lexa and tilted Lexa’s head to the side. “I didn’t realise I’d left anything behind. I think if you rub a rock against it it’ll fade quicker? Something to do with blood flow to the bruise site?”

  
  


Lexa watched with amusement. “I do not mind. I would have preferred it in a more private area but it is not the end of the world. It’ll go away eventually, right?”

  
  


“About a week.” Clarke reassured, giving Lexa’s shoulder a little pat. 

  
  


“What’s an alpha type?” Lexa asked curiously. “I’ve never heard that term before. Alpha dogs mean pack leaders, so what is an alpha type?”

  
  


“Oh… it’s like… I don’t know how to explain it. It’s the way an alpha acts? All chest puffed out with pride, marking his territory, bossing everyone around?” 

  
  


Lexa narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Like how you boss me around?”

  
  


Clarke burst out laughing. “Lexa, you’d forget to eat if I didn’t remind you to feed yourself. It’s not bossing, it’s encouraging.” 

  
  


Lexa huffed. “I mean… if you say so…”

  
  


Clarke gave her a playful shove as she pushed past her. 

  
  


The rest of the day went relatively quick. Clarke dragged her out the house just as she was beginning to get ready for bed and insisted Lexa join her for a birthing day celebration. Lexa was not very good at showing affection towards anyone other than Clarke, but she could feel the pain of losing a sibling. 

She  _ had  _ killed her own brothers and sisters in the conclave. 

  
  


Lexa stood beside Gaia as Clarke, Octavia, and Murphy lit lanterns. 

  
  


“How did he die?” Lexa whispered to Gaia. 

  
  


“Clarke shot him.” Gaia whispered back, sending her a look. Lexa knew not to push. 

  
  


“Until our final journey on the ground.” Everyone echoed a moment later. 

  
  


Lexa hadn’t heard that saying since the night of her death.

  
  


Lexa watched as the lanterns floated up into the sky. Instead of going directly to Clarke's side, she went over to Octavia and placed a hand on her shoulder. “I am sorry.” She started. “I lost the only family I had in my conclave. I imagine it is a lot harder when you come from the same womb.” 

  
  


Octavia looked at her for a long moment, a sad smile on her lips. “He changed. He wasn’t the same Bellamy that raised me. I just hope he is at peace.” Lexa watched as Octavia’s eyebrows crinkled. “What was it like? Death? Is is… is he…?”

  
  


Lexa let out a long sigh, nodding her head. “It was painful at first. Death was not the end; I felt at ease. It is like falling into a long sleep. I… do not know how to explain it. My peace was cut short when Clarke brought me back.” She explained, lip jutted out in thought. “It is… warm. I remember Clarke’s voice coaxing me into darkness. Reincarnation didn’t work out the way I was taught. From my knowledge part of my spirit was passed into the flame and then passed onto Madi, although it was not  _ me _ . It was a form of me.”

  
  


“Thank you.” Octavia said, voice faint. Lexa looked over at her friend and smiled when she noticed the tears forming in her eyes. 

  
  


“I am glad my death had more than one use.” She gave Octavia shoulder a pat. “Bellamy was a good man. He cared with his whole heart.” Lexa frowned, thinking. “There are stories of warriors becoming guardians over the ones they love once they die.” Octavia sent Lexa a small nod. “I believe Bellamy lives through you. The best parts of him.”

  
  


Octavia let out a wet laugh, tugging Lexa into a hug. Lexa didn’t know how to respond. She awkwardly gave Octavia back a tiny pat and nodded when she pulled back. “Sorry— I know you’re not the hugging type, it just means a lot to me. It gives me closure.” 

  
  


Lexa smiled, shaking her head. “It is fine. I am glad I could help.”

  
  


Octavia went over to the group. Clarke came over a couple minutes later, slipping her hand into Lexa’s. Lexa let out a small hum and pressed her forehead against Clarke’s temple. “Are you okay?”

  
  


“I killed him. I’m the reason he’s not here.” Clarke said bluntly. “I don’t know how to make peace with what I did. What if I’m the reason he’s stuck in hell?” 

  
  


Lexa pulled back to study Clarke’s face and frowned. “Clarke…” She started. 

  
  


“No. Nothing you can say will validate my actions. I killed my best friend.”

  
  


“You loved him?” Lexa’s eyebrows furrowed further. 

  
  


“He was my sanity when you died. I never loved him like I love you, it was a different kind of love, but he was my rock. He was the only person that understood the weight I carried.”

  
  


Lexa nodded. She could understand that. “He will be in a peaceful sleep, Clarke. Just because he didn’t get to transcend doesn’t mean he isn’t at ease. I never transcended but I remember feeling warmth. He will feel the same thing.” She chewed nervously on her lower lip, then moved to stand in front of Clarke, taking her other hand. “Is there any way we can summon this judge? Ask if he’s okay?”

  
  


Clarke avoided her gaze for a moment or two, then deflated, leaning forward to rest her cheek against Lexa’s shoulder. “No.” She whispered. “I just… I just need time. I never fully came to terms with my actions. It still weighs heavy on my heart.” 

  
  


Lexa rubbed her hand up and down Clarke’s back. “One day at a time. Tomorrow is full of possibilities. Closure doesn’t happen overnight.” She smiled faintly, looking over at the group sitting around the fire. “Let’s go sit by the fire. Octavia must have some stories to help with the guilt you feel.” 

  
  


Clarke sighed and nodded, pulling back with a sad smile. 

  
  


***

  
  


Clarke wandered into the community hall, inspecting the roof for any cracks or holes. When she found none, she smiled. “Hey, Raven! We did it!” Raven hobbled in a couple moments later. “Only took us an entire year.” 

  
  


“Slow and steady wins the race.” Raven mused, pulling Clarke into a hug. “Thank you for helping as much as you have. Lexa too. Without her muscle we probably wouldn’t have it done before winter.” Raven grinned as she pulled back. “Now all I’ve got to do is crack electricity. Do you think sanctum will mind if I steal the solar panels?”

  
  


Clarke’s face lit up. “I could take Lexa with me to fetch them? She’s never been off the planet.” 

  
  


Raven snorted. “Do you know how sappy that is?”

  
  


“What? Lexa always nerds out about the stars. Imagine her reaction being on a completely different planet? It could be good to show her Polis, too. Or the runes it’s in. Closure?”

  
  


“Guess so. I’m not going to say no to free labour. I’ll put together some gear and you guys can head out later today?” 

  
  


Clarke beamed. “I’ll go get Lexa.” 

  
  


***

  
  


Clarke found Lexa by the stables. “ _ Hei! Niron! _ ” (Hey, lover!) She jumped the fence and laughed. “I’m taking you to sanctum.”

  
  


“Where?”

  
  


“Another planet.” 

  
  


Lexa looked at her with a small laugh. “Is it safe?” 

  
  


“Yes. We need to gather the solar panels from sanctum. I thought it might be a nice opportunity to see the runes of Polis and show you what another planet looks like.” 

  
  


Lexa nodded her head slowly. “We can do that. Do I need to change?” She gestured to her pants and tunic. “I’m covered in mud.”

  
  


“You can if you want.” 

  
  


“I’ll get our horse ready.” 

  
  


Clarke smiled and nodded. 

  
  


***

  
  


Lexa looked at the remains of her tower — her home. 

  
  


_ It’s… unexplainable. It doesn’t even resemble a rune. It’s just a couple of rocks.  _

  
  


“I’m sorry.” Clarke said beside her. 

  
  


Lexa shook her head and sent Clarke a faint smile. “Do not apologise. My home has returned to the earth. It is the natural order of things.” 

  
  


“I know, but still… It’s a lot.” 

  
  


Lexa wouldn’t argue. It was heartbreaking. The only place she’d been able to call home was withering away. 

  
  


“I grew up in the tower. I made love to Costia, and  _ you _ , in the tower. I even had my first fist fight in the tower.” A pause. “I died in the tower.” Lexa let out a long sigh. “It feels like a lifetime ago.” 

  
  


“It was.” Clarke gave her hand a squeeze. “Nature has a way of reclaiming the land we built on.” 

  
  


“This is true.” Lexa hummed. “I am ready to leave now.” 

  
  


Clarke led her into what looked like a metal cage of death, then down into a big concrete hall. Lexa didn’t feel comfort of any kind in this place. They stopped in front of a big metal ball. Clarke touched a couple symbols, then a big green cloud appeared in front of them. Lexa stepped back, shaking her head. 

  
  


“Is this safe?”

  
  


“Yes. I promise. Here,” Clarke took her hand. “Close your eyes.” 

  
  


Lexa did just that. They stepped forward together, then after a moment or two, Clarke squeezed her hand again. 

  
  


“You can open.” 

  
  


When Lexa opened her eyes they were in a completely different room. The air was thicker, less refreshing as the air back at camp. “This is strange.” She admitted, looking around. “People lived here?”

  
  


“Yes. It’s a long story. Something similar to the flame allowed this royal family to reincarnate into other bodies with full memories of their past life. They abused the night blood. My body was almost taken by their daughter.” 

  
  


Lexa blinked, stomach twisting. “That… is… unacceptable. How did they get away with it?” 

  
  


“They created an entire religion around themselves.” 

  
  


“That’s an abuse of power.”

  
  


“Didn’t say they had a good moral compass.” 

  
  


Lexa shook her head. “They are gone? For good?” 

  
  


“Yes. It’s just us.” 

  
  


Lexa swallowed dryly and followed Clarke outside. The sky was blue, but also speckled with clouds. It seemed a lot like earth. 

  
  


“Are those two moons?” 

  
  


“Yeah. Once a month the red moon will secret poison into the atmosphere and make everyone go crazy.” 

  
  


“I am glad we are only going to be here for a short period of time.” Lexa admitted. “Where are these panels? I would like to get them done and over with.” 

  
  


Clarke sent her a small smile and guided them back inside. 

  
  


They spent hours removing panel after panel and loading them onto a large cart. By the time they’d finished, the sun had gone down and the night sky was bright with many many stars. Lexa laid on the roof beside Clarke and watched as the sky twinkled. 

  
  


“It is much different to earth. The sky is alive.” Lexa pointed. “What are these clouds called?” 

  
  


“I don’t know. I think Raven knows. They’re pretty though, right?” 

  
  


“Right.” Lexa smiled. “How far away from home are we?” 

  
  


“A century or so.” 

  
  


“That’s a long time.” Lexa blew out a breath. “Thank you for bringing me. This fills me with something akin to joy.” 

  
  


“Yeah?” 

  
  


“It is hard to explain. My heart feels full.” Lexa elaborated, carefully propping herself up on her elbow to look down at Clarke. “I am living a life I never thought possible. My duties always left me with uncertainty. I did not know how to grow as a person, or feel with my whole being. You gave me what I so desperately wanted; a normal life. My purpose was to be  _ Heda _ . Nothing more, nothing less. I dreamt about life as one of my subjects.” She rambled. “I never thought I would be wedding a woman I loved without fear of being disowned by my culture.” 

  
  


Clarke looked up at her with a small smile. Lexa’s stomach did a little flip. “I never thought I’d be in a predicament such as this.” Clarke reached up and ran her index finger along Lexa’s jaw. “I didn’t think I’d ever feel like this,” Clarke continued, brushing her finger over Lexa’s lower lip. “I’m glad we get to experience this together. It feels nice being able to just… I don’t know, what’s the word? Just… exist?” 

  
  


Lexa knew what Clarke was feeling. She smiled, wrapping her hand around Clarke’s wrist. She pressed a kiss to her knuckles, then to her palm. “I am happy, Clarke.” She kissed Clarke’s wrist, then forearm. “ _ Ai hod yu in _ .” (I love you) She leaned down and pressed a long, soft kiss to Clarke’s mouth. “ _ Yu laik ai houd _ .” (You are my world) She murmured, brushing the tip of her nose against Clarke’s as she tilted her head and kissed her from a different angle. “I am glad we got our someday.” 

  
  


When she pulled back to gaze down at Clarke’s face, Clarke was staring up at her with a lopsided smile. “ _ Ai hod yu in, Leksa. Ai na kom taim eno kom gou _ .” (I love you, Lexa. I will until the end of time). 

  
  


_ The end of time. I like the sound of that _ , Lexa thought. 

  
  


***

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Oh! I also forgot to mention I tried my best to proof read but I’ve only had 3 hours sleep, so certain grammatical errors are my own. 
> 
> I had a lot to cover for the first chapter so bear with me. Conversations will start to flow more naturally soon!


End file.
